When a couple decides
to get married, everyone immediately focuses on the wedding. The dress. The
hall. The guest list. The things people will talk about for a few days and then
forget. Very few people talk about what actually shapes a marriage – especially
from the parents’ side. And this is where things often get complicated.
Most parents mean well. They love their children deeply. But
love often comes with fear. Fear of losing influence. Fear that their child
might get hurt. Fear that the person their child chose is “too different.” Less
religious. More liberal. Too trusting. Too naive. Or simply not what they
imagined for them. And instead of sitting with that discomfort, parents react.
They question. They worry out loud. They share concerns with
others. Sometimes quietly, sometimes “just to be careful.” But concern, when it
turns into doubt, doesn’t protect marriages. It weakens them.
Here’s something we don’t like to admit:
Differences don’t destroy marriages. The way parents react to those
differences often does.
Uncomfortable conversations before marriage are not a bad
thing. They’re necessary. They’re healthy. That’s how people learn who they are
marrying. That’s how expectations come out. That’s how values are tested – not
in theory, but in real life.
Silence is much more dangerous than discomfort.
But those uncomfortable conversations are not only for the
couple. Parents need to have them too – mostly with themselves.
Acceptance does not mean agreement. It does not mean giving
up your values. It means understanding that once your child chooses a partner,
your role changes. You don’t disappear – but you step back.
One of the most important things a parent can do is watch
how they speak about their child’s partner. Especially when they don’t fully
agree with them. Words matter more than we think.
When parents speak positively, they build trust.
When they criticize – even subtly – they create tension.
And tension always finds its way into a marriage.
Welcoming a son- or daughter-in-law isn’t about pretending
everything is perfect. It’s about intention. Making them feel comfortable in
your home. Paying attention to what they like. Being observant. Being kind. Not
talking badly about them to others. Not turning personal fear into public
opinion.
Marriage isn’t built only on communication between husband
and wife. It’s also built on how parents behave once the couple becomes a unit.
How parents react to disagreements, differences, and life events can either
make their children’s lives easier – or much more complicated.
Viktor Frankl said it best:
“Between stimulus and response, there is space. In that space is our power
to choose our response.”
For parents, that space matters. A pause instead of a reaction.
Thought instead of fear. Wisdom instead of ego.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks reminded us that
“The greatest gift parents can give their children is the space to become
who they are meant to be.”
That space doesn’t mean absence. It means restraint. It
means trust. It means knowing when to guide – and when to stay quiet.
No one teaches us how to be parents to married children.
There’s no manual for becoming a mother-in-law or father-in-law with balance
and humility. Most of us learn through mistakes. But the more we talk about
these things – honestly, without ego – the more families we might save from
unnecessary pain.
Weddings last a few hours.
Marriages last a lifetime.
And sometimes, the most meaningful wedding gift parents can
give isn’t money, advice, or opinions – but acceptance.
Sincerely yours,
Zoya Aminov
