When it comes to relationships between parents-in-law and
adult children, one question comes up again and again: how can we be there for
our children without overstepping?
The answer begins with understanding something fundamental:
when a new person joins the family – a daughter-in-law or son-in-law – they are
entering a space that already has history, traditions, and unspoken rules. Your
child is secure in that space. The new person is not.
They are the one adjusting. They are the one observing. They
are the one hoping to feel accepted.
And it is the responsibility of parents to create that sense
of safety.
Many of us who came from the former Soviet Union grew up in
regions where we lived side by side with Muslim communities. From them, we
inherited certain traditional structures – strong respect for elders, clear
family hierarchy, and defined gender roles. Respect for parents was
unquestioned. But alongside that, in many households, women were not always
given equal emotional respect. A daughter-in-law was expected to adapt, to
serve, to prove herself worthy of belonging. Those patterns do not disappear
just because we moved to America.
We immigrated. We built businesses. We live well. Our
lifestyle changed – sometimes dramatically. But attitudes inside the home can
remain surprisingly unchanged. And yet today’s women are not the women of forty
years ago.
Today’s daughters-in-law are educated, financially
independent, and emotionally aware. They work full-time, raise children,
contribute equally, and carry enormous responsibility. They are strong – not
because they are difficult, but because life requires strength from them.
If expectations have grown, then respect must grow with
them. If you did not like how you were treated, do not repeat it.
Generational patterns feel normal because they are familiar.
But familiar does not always mean healthy. Someone has to choose to stop the
cycle. Someone has to decide that the next generation will experience something
better.
Our tradition guides us. In the Torah, it says,
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife.”
This does not mean abandoning parents. It means that a new family unit must be
allowed to form independently.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote that strong families are built
not on control, but on covenant – on mutual respect and responsibility.
And the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson,
repeatedly emphasized that blessing rests where there is peace in the home.
Peace requires restraint. It means offering advice when
asked – not when assumed necessary. It means supporting decisions even when you
would have chosen differently.
It means remembering that closeness grows through trust, not supervision.
Your children are already yours. The new person is the one
still finding their footing. Choose kindness first. Choose encouragement. Think
long term. A sharp comment may feel small in the moment, but over time, small
cuts create distance.
Life is already complicated. Marriage is already demanding.
Parents can either add pressure or become a source of stability.
Treat your daughter-in-law and son-in-law as you would want
someone to treat your own child.
This conversation is only beginning. Because strong families
are not built by tradition alone – they are built by conscious change.
Sincerely yours,
Zoya Aminov
