After my last article, so many people reached out to say
they agreed with every word. And of course, I appreciate it – it’s nice to know
people are finally talking about these things. But honestly, I’m not writing
for compliments. I’m writing because something actually has to change. Because
at the end of the day, what really matters is not a few hours of a wedding
show. It’s the life that starts after the lights go off and the music stops.
And the more I look around – not just at weddings, but at
the whole matchmaking process – the more I realize the problems don’t begin at
the wedding hall. They start long before. They start at home. With the parents.
With how we raise our kids and what we fail to teach them.
My friend and I run a matchmaking page, JEM_NYC, and
the stories we hear make it very clear: the parents are at the center of almost
everything. People don’t like to listen to this, but it’s the truth. Parents
are the foundation. If the foundation is shaky, the whole building shakes.
And here’s something I’ve really noticed: with all the
technology and comfort we have today, our boys are growing up emotionally
weaker. Not bad – just unprepared. Meanwhile, our girls are becoming stronger,
more independent, and successful. And I’m proud of these girls. But the
emotional gap between boys and girls is getting bigger, and nobody wants to
admit it.
Why is this happening?
Because we think that if we give our kids “the best of everything,” they’ll
have an easier life. But real life doesn’t work like that. Real life requires
communication. Patience. Humility. Responsibility. Emotional maturity.
And who is teaching those things?
Nobody.
We teach them math, computers, how to order food on an app,
how to post on Instagram – everything. But not how to talk without ego. Not how
to fix something when it breaks. Not how to handle real-life challenges – the
kind that don’t disappear in 24 hours and don’t come with a return policy.
Technology keeps improving, but emotional skills are stuck somewhere in the past. And that’s why marriages fall apart so fast today. Our ancestors had fewer divorces not because life was easier, but because they worked through their problems. They didn’t replace a marriage like a broken phone screen. They fixed it. They talked. They forgave. They tried.
(And to be absolutely clear: I am NOT talking about abuse,
cheating, addiction, or any situation where someone is in danger. Those are
different situations. Those require protection, not endurance.)
I’m talking about couples who can’t communicate. Couples who
let ego win. Couples who think that by finding someone new, everything will
magically be better. But here’s the truth:
If you don’t fix yourself, you bring the same problems
into the next relationship.
Leo Tolstoy said: “What counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are, but
how you deal with incompatibility.”
And Rabbi Jonathan Sacks said it beautifully: “We prepare our children for everything – except how to build a loving and
lasting relationship.”
Maybe it’s time to change that.
Maybe it’s time to put less pressure on the wedding and focus more on the
marriage.
Less showing off. More are showing up.
Less pretending. More preparation.
Because when the wedding is over – when the dress is off,
the flowers fade, and the guests go home – all that’s left is two people trying
to build a life together.
And that is where the real work begins.
Sincerely yours,
Zoya Aminov
