Dear Rachel,
I am a recently divorced mother of 3 children ages 2, 5, and 7. I am trying to figure out my future goals while struggling to get a rhythm to my busy days. I am NOT ready to date just yet. There’s a lot I feel I need to process. But I am hoping you can help me to know – what clues should I look for to let me know I am ready? Should I just base it on «feeling ready»? I don’t want to make a mistake again and want to get things right the second time around. Any tips would be appreciated! Thank you!
Sincerely, Divorced Mom
Dear Divorced Mom,
You ask an excellent question. Many singles do start to date when they feel like it. But that’s not always wise. Sometimes, different life scenarios can suddenly make a person feel they are ready, when in fact they may be far from it! Since you have the added challenge of being divorced with children, you are smart to try to figure things out in your own life before starting to date again. Give yourself the time you need and don’t allow others to pressure you into dating before you are ready. One thing I’d like to address is something you mentioned – that you don’t want to make a «mistake» again. Viewing your first marriage as a mistake is not the right way to view your past. We all come into life to do 3 things: to learn, to grow, and to make a difference. You cannot know what you don’t know. Only time (and how you use your time) as well as your experiences, will help you to learn and grow – and ultimately make a difference. When you were dating your previous husband and you made the choice to marry him, you didn’t know the many life lessons that you have now learned having been married. So start by viewing your life as always a work in progress. There’s no such thing as mistakes – only learning lessons to grow and gain from. Allow hard experiences to mold you into a better, wiser, and more compassionate person. The way you will know you are ready to remarry is if: 1. You have come to embrace and accept your past with the attitude that everything happens for a reason and you were meant to learn and grow from that which comes your way. 2. You have identified a wise individual in your life who can help you; someone whom you admire and respect who can guide you. 3. You are not feeling desperate but rather, have a good sense of self worth and trust in your ability to make the right choices in life. 4. You know what you value in life most and live your life accordingly. 5. You are committed to constantly learning and growing as a person and seek to always develop good character. 6. You have made space in your life and in your heart for your bashert (soul mate). 7. You practice gratitude; that is, you look for the daily blessings in your life and are aware and grateful of them. This list is a good guide to help you monitor your progress and know when you are REALLY ready to date again. Make sure you are looking for the same qualities in a man that I mentioned above for you as a guide. And remember – G-d is always with you. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
