Dear Rachel,
I am a mother of 6 kids.
Just writing this is a shock because I never thought I would have 6 kids! Two
of them were not planned. Of course I love each and every one of them and I
wouldn’t change a thing. But I have such guilt that none of my children will
fully get my attention – the attention they need and deserve. It’s not fair to
them. How do I ever compensate for this?
Sincerely, Mom with Guilt
Dear Mom with Guilt,
Your question makes me
smile. It reminds me of a story I once heard years ago... A rabbi needed to go
somewhere and asked for a ride. The driver was happy to take him. As the Rabbi
was getting in the car, he saw 2 steering wheels – one on the driver’s side,
and one on the passenger’s side. The rabbi was puzzled and asked if the driver
was a driver’s ed teacher perhaps? The driver replied no, that this was
actually a family car. «So why would you need 2 steering wheels?» asked the
rabbi, now even more confused. The driver responded that he has an overactive
child who always would jump all over his father trying to grab the wheel. So
the driver had a fake wheel installed on the passenger side so that his son
could play with the wheel, feel like he’s the one driving and in control, yet
in the meanwhile he doesn’t bother his father who is actually the one driving!
This made such an impression on the Rabbi that he said, «this for me is an
important lesson in emunah (having faith)». We often have ideas of what and how
things are supposed to look like, and we think that this is how life should
look like and be like. But we forget one primary point – that we are not in the
driver’s seat – G-d is. He brings people and circumstances our way for a reason
that may not even make sense to us. Sometimes, it may even seem like the most
unideal situation! But when we realize it comes from G-d Himself, then we can
cultivate the correct attitude needed to bring out the best in the situation.
Take for example in Torah when Joseph at the tender age of 17 was sold as a
slave to the Egyptians by his very own brothers! Any rational, moral person
would agree what a horrible situation it must have been to be torn from your
parent’s warm and loving home, only to be sold as a slave – by your very own
siblings! And yet, because Joseph never lost sight of G-d’s presence in his
life, he had the correct attitude. He knew that everything happened for a
reason, so instead of being depressed and resentful, he challenged himself
(even as he was a slave!) to become greater, to never lose hope and to trust in
G-d completely. The result was that Joseph grew to eventually rise up as a
slave and became second in command to Pharoh while never wavering from the
integrity and faith that he had been lovingly raised with. Because of this,
Joseph is known in Jewish history as «Joseph the Tzadik (righteous one)». Life
does not seem ideal sometimes. In your case, you did not plan on having 6
children – but G-d planned this for you even when you (like the overactive
child in the story) thought you were in control! So if G-d entrusted you with
these precious souls, then it must be that the situation – exactly as it is –
was meant to be. So now that you know G-d wanted this to happen, change your
mental outlook. Remember that your 6 kids may not have your undivided attention
whenever they may need you, but they will have 5 other siblings which they will
have the opportunity to grow a close relationship with, that otherwise they
would not have had. And when they grow up they will have children who will have
many cousins to play and grow with. These are all blessings! This doesn’t mean
you should stop making your children feel individually special. Even though it
can be challenging, you must continue to try to do so. But, remember they were
meant to be in this world. And you were given more than you intended to have
because G-d believed in you. And since He believes in you, you must believe in
yourself! B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
