Dear Rachel,
I have a beautiful niece who is much older than my twin girls and she is like a daughter to me. So after my niece graduated from college and got a great job offer out of state, I cried along with my sister when she moved away. She has visited a few times over the past year, but this last visit left us devastated. She broke the news that she is seriously dating a non-Jewish man and she’d like to bring him to meet the whole family. She says she wants to marry him! I am trying to comfort my sister, but I am a complete wreck! My sister and I are Bukahrian and though we don’t practice Judaism actively we taught our children to marry only a Jew. We have given the boys brit milas at 8 days old, bar mitzvahs, and the girls bat mitzvahs. We even took a joint trip to Israel with both our families! My niece says if they get married, they would celebrate Christmas because he grew up with that and since she has had a yolka at home every New Years’ growing up, she sees nothing wrong in putting it up a week earlier so her husband can enjoy the Christmas holiday. I am never having a yolka on New Years again! It only helped my niece assimilate more easily! Now I am anxious for my children – what can I do to help prevent this from happening to them?
Sincerely, Lost
Dear Lost,
Your letter rips at the
heart of a significant problem that exists within the Jewish nation. Whereas in
previous generations Jews may have disagreed with one another in various ways,
they at least agreed that they wanted their children and grandchildren to stay
Jewish. Nowadays, this is no longer the case. According to the Pew study of
2020, 72% of non-orthodox Jews who married since 2010 are intermarried. Imagine
the difference this makes to the future of Jews!
Your niece is now a grown
woman with her own understanding of what she thinks is good for her. At this
point it is your children you have to think of now and they can learn about
their Judaism through you. But you must be able to show why marrying a Jew is
important. It’s no longer enough to say «marrying Jewish is important because
this is who we are». This generation needs more than words! Despite all that
our parents and grandparents suffered in Russia, they still held on to their
Jewish identity as best as they could. And the core of this Jewish identity
came from their ancestors who had a commitment to the Torah – a Torah that is
meant to be actively lived, from the inside out. Sadly, this is often being
neglected. We live in the ways of the secular world while not giving much daily
thought and attention to our purpose as Jews, and this affects our children. A
suggestion: take small steps in making Judaism enjoyable for your children
while they are young. Slowly incorporate Shabbat into your life and learn what
it represents. The greatest impression you can make is when YOU decide to allow
your Jewish identity to mean more to you and bring out the best in you. Find a
Torah partner to begin this journey with you by having regular phone (or in
person) learning times together – start with just 30 min a week. There are
organizations like TorahMates.org or Partnersintorah.org geared to help
individuals like you find their own Torah partner and learn what it means to be
a Jew. Most importantly, enjoy the journey! B’Hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
