Dear Rachel,
I have 4 children ages 16,
13, 7 and 4 and I want to know in matters of money, how do I know how much to
spend on my children vs how much to spend on my elderly parents? Is there a
Jewish perspective to this?
Sincerely, Miriam
Dear Miriam,
This is an excellent
question, as both children and elderly parents require a certain level of
obligation in your care for them. You did not offer me specifics so though I
can give you my opinion based on Jewish thought, it is necessary for you to
bring this question up with your trusted Rabbi, something every Jew should
choose for themselves. The Torah teaches us to honor and respect our parents
not just when we are children but also as adults. Though parents often mistake
this to mean that even a grown adult has to always listen to their parents, the
Jewish law does not agree that this must always be the case. If your parents,
for example, tell you to bring them a cup of water, you must do so graciously
and not make them wait unnecessarily. However, if they interfere in your
parenting when you know that you are doing what is best for your child and it
is in alignment with Jewish wisdom, then you are not obligated to do as your
parents say, though you are obligated to respond with respectful words and tone.
Similarly, though you are responsible to show honor to your elderly parents by
feeding them, dressing them and providing them with transportation (if they do
not have the means to do this for themselves) you are not obligated to provide
them with *expensive* clothing and food that they may crave if you need to pay
for your children’s necessities, such as Jewish school tuition. A Jewish parent
has certain obligations to their child, some of which are the following: that
they are clothed and fed, that they have a proper Torah education, that they
are taught to be safe (to know how to swim), and that they are taught a trade
in order to provide for themselves as adults. These basic needs you will need
to take into consideration when looking at how you spend your money. It is wise
not to raise children whose material needs are always gratified to the fullest;
such as often buying unnecessary or expensive things. In this way, you will
help a child to develop humility and not routinely pursue buying *things* to make
them happy. Teaching your children to develop kibud avayim (honoring and
respecting parents, which also applies to grandparents) comes from your own
personal example; like when they see you at the grocery store picking out
groceries for your parents. Or when you are cooking meals for them, driving
them or buying them clothes, etc. Involve your children in these activities so
that they will naturally grow to feel attached to their grandparents and
understand that their grandparents’ needs are a top priority. Then, during
times when you can’t buy your child the item they wanted because you needed to
spend on a necessary expense for your parents, you will be teaching your child
priorities in life as well as their obligations as a Jew – and that’s a life
lesson you cannot buy! B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
