Dear Rachel,
I have 4 children ages 16, 13, 7 and 4 and I want to know in matters of money, how do I know how much to spend on my children vs how much to spend on my elderly parents? Is there a Jewish perspective to this?
Sincerely, Miriam
Dear Miriam,
This is an excellent question, as both children and elderly parents require a certain level of obligation in your care for them. You did not offer me specifics so though I can give you my opinion based on Jewish thought, it is necessary for you to bring this question up with your trusted Rabbi, something every Jew should choose for themselves. The Torah teaches us to honor and respect our parents not just when we are children but also as adults. Though parents often mistake this to mean that even a grown adult has to always listen to their parents, the Jewish law does not agree that this must always be the case. If your parents, for example, tell you to bring them a cup of water, you must do so graciously and not make them wait unnecessarily. However, if they interfere in your parenting when you know that you are doing what is best for your child and it is in alignment with Jewish wisdom, then you are not obligated to do as your parents say, though you are obligated to respond with respectful words and tone. Similarly, though you are responsible to show honor to your elderly parents by feeding them, dressing them and providing them with transportation (if they do not have the means to do this for themselves) you are not obligated to provide them with *expensive* clothing and food that they may crave if you need to pay for your children’s necessities, such as Jewish school tuition. A Jewish parent has certain obligations to their child, some of which are the following: that they are clothed and fed, that they have a proper Torah education, that they are taught to be safe (to know how to swim), and that they are taught a trade in order to provide for themselves as adults. These basic needs you will need to take into consideration when looking at how you spend your money. It is wise not to raise children whose material needs are always gratified to the fullest; such as often buying unnecessary or expensive things. In this way, you will help a child to develop humility and not routinely pursue buying *things* to make them happy. Teaching your children to develop kibud avayim (honoring and respecting parents, which also applies to grandparents) comes from your own personal example; like when they see you at the grocery store picking out groceries for your parents. Or when you are cooking meals for them, driving them or buying them clothes, etc. Involve your children in these activities so that they will naturally grow to feel attached to their grandparents and understand that their grandparents’ needs are a top priority. Then, during times when you can’t buy your child the item they wanted because you needed to spend on a necessary expense for your parents, you will be teaching your child priorities in life as well as their obligations as a Jew – and that’s a life lesson you cannot buy! B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
