Dear Rachel,
I have been married now to
my husband, a good man, for 5 years and though we get along, it depresses me
that we don’t spend enough time together. We have two kids and he is an
involved father in addition to working full time. It’s nice when we spend family
time together, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in going out alone
together. When we were dating I was so delighted that we enjoyed our time and
that we had many interests in common. But since our marriage, I find we don’t
spend time alone out of the house together. I’ve complained about this to him
many times over the years but he always has reasons and tells me I’m not
appreciating all he does. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Why doesn’t he
understand such a basic need of mine as his wife?
Sincerely, Loving Wife
Dear Loving Wife,
Just by the name you chose
to sign off with in your letter, it is evident that your need comes from a very
loving place of wanting that close one-on-one time with your spouse. You are
not unreasonable for wanting alone time with your husband. In fact, this shows
that you value his company and your relationship. This does not however, mean
your husband does not value you as his wife since he doesn’t seem interested in
spending time alone. Sometimes, we get into a rut while trying to juggle the
different parts of our lives that need attention. We create habits that become
hard to break and as a result, we don’t create time for other important areas
in our life. A jewish principle to live by, especially in your marriage, is to
judge another favorably. It could be that though he recognizes the need to
spend time with you, he is not able to change because he is busy being
defensive to your complaints about it. Have you ever had someone complain to
you about your behavior in such a way, that you respond back to them with being
defensive even though you knew you were wrong deep down? There’s an art to
being heard in the correct way, so that your spouse feels no need to defend
himself, and instead can focus on what you have to say. First off, instead of
stating what you don’t like (which is interpreted as a complaint or criticism
thus, the need for defensiveness), state your desire – what you would like from
your spouse. So for example, rather than saying, «We don’t spend any alone time
together and I’ve told you this so many times but you just ignore what I say
like I don’t matter», you can instead say, «I saw this amazing new book that
came out which reminded me of the time we used to read to each other, and I
would so much love to read it with you»! After stating this with an upbeat
tone, you can add, «of course I know how much you do for us all as it is and I
do appreciate that». The first line states a clear desire that is devoid of any
criticism, while the second line acknowledges and shows gratitude for the
actions that he already gives but feels are not recognized. Do you see how this
completely takes the defensiveness out of the conversation? Now, after telling
him clearly what you desire, go about your day and life and don’t go on with
the conversation any further. We say too much sometimes! There’s also no need
to state this multiple times, just once in a while. In the meantime, find ways
to fill your time that are both meaningful and happy. Give him the time and
space to figure out how to juggle his priorities better. When your husband sees
you as no longer being critical, but rather stating what you sincerely desire
with appreciation and light heartedness, he will want to respond positively. A
good man, when approached in the right way, will typically want to please his
wife. And you have it in you, as his other half, to speak to him in a way that
will encourage his best self. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
