Dear Rachel,
I am a recently divorced
mother of 3 children ages 2, 5, and 7. I am trying to figure out my future
goals while struggling to get a rhythm to my busy days. I am NOT ready to date
just yet. There’s a lot I feel I need to process. But I am hoping you can help
me to know – what clues should I look for to let me know I am ready? Should I
just base it on «feeling ready»? I don’t want to make a mistake again and want
to get things right the second time around. Any tips would be appreciated!
Thank you!
Sincerely, Divorced Mom
Dear Divorced Mom,
You ask an excellent
question. Many singles do start to date when they feel like it. But that’s not
always wise. Sometimes, different life scenarios can suddenly make a person
feel they are ready, when in fact they may be far from it! Since you have the
added challenge of being divorced with children, you are smart to try to figure
things out in your own life before starting to date again. Give yourself the
time you need and don’t allow others to pressure you into dating before you are
ready. One thing I’d like to address is something you mentioned – that you
don’t want to make a «mistake» again. Viewing your first marriage as a mistake
is not the right way to view your past. We all come into life to do 3 things:
to learn, to grow, and to make a difference. You cannot know what you don’t
know. Only time (and how you use your time) as well as your experiences, will
help you to learn and grow – and ultimately make a difference. When you were
dating your previous husband and you made the choice to marry him, you didn’t
know the many life lessons that you have now learned having been married. So
start by viewing your life as always a work in progress. There’s no such thing
as mistakes – only learning lessons to grow and gain from. Allow hard
experiences to mold you into a better, wiser, and more compassionate person.
The way you will know you are ready to remarry is if: 1. You have come to
embrace and accept your past with the attitude that everything happens for a
reason and you were meant to learn and grow from that which comes your way. 2.
You have identified a wise individual in your life who can help you; someone
whom you admire and respect who can guide you. 3. You are not feeling desperate
but rather, have a good sense of self worth and trust in your ability to make
the right choices in life. 4. You know what you value in life most and live
your life accordingly. 5. You are committed to constantly learning and growing
as a person and seek to always develop good character. 6. You have made space
in your life and in your heart for your bashert (soul mate). 7. You practice
gratitude; that is, you look for the daily blessings in your life and are aware
and grateful of them. This list is a good guide to help you monitor your progress
and know when you are REALLY ready to date again. Make sure you are looking for
the same qualities in a man that I mentioned above for you as a guide. And
remember – G-d is always with you. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
