Dear Rachel,
I have been married now to my husband, a good man, for 5 years and though we get along, it depresses me that we don’t spend enough time together. We have two kids and he is an involved father in addition to working full time. It’s nice when we spend family time together, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in going out alone together. When we were dating I was so delighted that we enjoyed our time and that we had many interests in common. But since our marriage, I find we don’t spend time alone out of the house together. I’ve complained about this to him many times over the years but he always has reasons and tells me I’m not appreciating all he does. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Why doesn’t he understand such a basic need of mine as his wife?
Sincerely, Loving Wife
Dear Loving Wife,
Just by the name you chose to sign off with in your letter, it is evident that your need comes from a very loving place of wanting that close one-on-one time with your spouse. You are not unreasonable for wanting alone time with your husband. In fact, this shows that you value his company and your relationship. This does not however, mean your husband does not value you as his wife since he doesn’t seem interested in spending time alone. Sometimes, we get into a rut while trying to juggle the different parts of our lives that need attention. We create habits that become hard to break and as a result, we don’t create time for other important areas in our life. A jewish principle to live by, especially in your marriage, is to judge another favorably. It could be that though he recognizes the need to spend time with you, he is not able to change because he is busy being defensive to your complaints about it. Have you ever had someone complain to you about your behavior in such a way, that you respond back to them with being defensive even though you knew you were wrong deep down? There’s an art to being heard in the correct way, so that your spouse feels no need to defend himself, and instead can focus on what you have to say. First off, instead of stating what you don’t like (which is interpreted as a complaint or criticism thus, the need for defensiveness), state your desire – what you would like from your spouse. So for example, rather than saying, «We don’t spend any alone time together and I’ve told you this so many times but you just ignore what I say like I don’t matter», you can instead say, «I saw this amazing new book that came out which reminded me of the time we used to read to each other, and I would so much love to read it with you»! After stating this with an upbeat tone, you can add, «of course I know how much you do for us all as it is and I do appreciate that». The first line states a clear desire that is devoid of any criticism, while the second line acknowledges and shows gratitude for the actions that he already gives but feels are not recognized. Do you see how this completely takes the defensiveness out of the conversation? Now, after telling him clearly what you desire, go about your day and life and don’t go on with the conversation any further. We say too much sometimes! There’s also no need to state this multiple times, just once in a while. In the meantime, find ways to fill your time that are both meaningful and happy. Give him the time and space to figure out how to juggle his priorities better. When your husband sees you as no longer being critical, but rather stating what you sincerely desire with appreciation and light heartedness, he will want to respond positively. A good man, when approached in the right way, will typically want to please his wife. And you have it in you, as his other half, to speak to him in a way that will encourage his best self. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
