“Adult life is when your
inner child wants to be held, and your inner back says it can’t lift any more
weight.” Jokes about the clichéd “inner child” are everywhere these days, just
like talk about psychotherapy. But this topic deserves to be shaken up. Many
people, especially those who feel little sympathy for psychology, don’t even
consider that they have not only real children, but also one who has always
lived inside them: often suppressed, misunderstood, unaccepted, and ignored.
“So what?” they say. “That
was then. You grew up. Live in the present.”
Here’s the thing: that small
child, buried in the past, hasn’t gone anywhere. He is a huge part of us and
directly influences our lives today. I’ll explain this in an adult, modern way.
When we talk about the inner child, we are talking about the “emotional brain”
– a survival system. It doesn’t understand logic; it only knows what is
dangerous and what is safe, and it reacts accordingly. This is our authenticity
detector – the part of us that hasn’t yet learned to lie to itself for the sake
of approval. The part that knows what we truly want. On top of it, we build
layers: education, upbringing, habits, and social roles. But in moments of
crisis, the system drops into its basic program – the protection of the little
human inside. And very often, that program is no longer appropriate for adult
life. Carl Jung considered the inner child authentic and divine. It should not
be seen as a weakness or a whim. It is an unlimited resource, carrying drive
and life force. But children, precisely because they are so alive and real, are
also vulnerable and sensitive. The inner child is the sum of all those moments
when our development was interrupted by fear, shame, or pain.
And then we grow up and do
one of the following:
Either, striving for success,
we shame ourselves for weakness and “stupid” desires, harshly criticize
ourselves for mistakes, and essentially send our child into a depressive
basement – to stay quiet and not interfere.
Or we reject the child’s
experience altogether, relying on cold adult logic. We ignore our intuition,
deny the child’s needs, and force it to “strike” through psychosomatic
symptoms, panic attacks, and outbursts of anger.
Or we completely give up our
parental rights and hand the child over to “others” to raise – constantly searching
for someone who will overpraise, soothe, fully understand, or, worse, punish
and control this unhappy child.
There are no other scenarios.
Ignoring, rejecting, refusing to forgive, and failing to love your inner child
never pass without consequences. An adult cannot be truly happy if their child
is unhappy. How can you tell whether you love yours or not? There are a few
simple indicators. Notice whether you scold yourself for mistakes using your
parents’ words; whether you are ashamed of “childish” emotions like tears or
exuberant joy; whether you allow yourself to spend money on “useless”
pleasures; what you feel when you look at photos of yourself as a child – tenderness
or irritation.
Signs of not loving your
younger self also show up clearly in behavior. People who do not forgive their
childhood mistakes tend toward rigid perfectionism, perceive small errors as
catastrophes, and use them as reasons for self-criticism and punishment. The
logic is simple and ruthless: you’re not allowed to be vulnerable or weak. And
if you didn’t manage, then you don’t deserve happiness, health, or success.
This is self-sabotage.
And so a person who denies
parts of themselves, already out of balance in body, relationships, and life,
may feel that it is the Creator who is punishing them – when in fact, they are
punishing themselves. At its core, this is a form of deep inner conflict. It
needs help – and it responds to it very well.
Growing up does not mean
killing the foolish child within. It means becoming a sufficiently integrated
adult to forgive yourself for childhood mistakes and to understand that, back
then, it could not have been otherwise. It means creating an inner space of
love and safety, where that child has the right to feelings, joy, and
creativity; the right to protect their boundaries – including from your own
self-criticism. So that instead of being shouted at for mistakes, the child
hears: “We’ll handle this.” So that he hears praise for those strengths that
will help them cope and serve life, not mere survival.
