We live among people
and almost inevitably judge one another by actions and reactions, forgetting
that we see only the tip of the iceberg. What truly drives behavior lies
beneath the surface. That is where the real scenes unfold, and often the very
protagonist of what is happening suffers, unable to understand why everything
turns out the way it does. From this lack of understanding arises a wide
spectrum of emotional difficulties. Problems may appear different on the
outside, yet they share one common thread: a person is reacting not to the
present situation, but to a root that remains in the shadows.
You send a message to
a friend – there is no reply. And suddenly sweeping conclusions begin to grow
inside you: “Here we go again, I’ve been pushed aside,” “People use me when it
suits them,” “I’m not truly important to anyone.” You begin to withdraw, stop
initiating contact, and grow colder. Yet in reality, an old painful trigger has
been activated – “I was left.” Once, your mother may have emotionally
“disappeared”: physically present, yet distant and unavailable.
At work, your
supervisor says, “You did well, everything’s good, just one section wasn’t
fully completed.” Not catastrophic – yet your face burns: “I failed again,”
“They think I’m incompetent,” “If this continues, I’ll be fired.” A single remark
turns into a verdict on your entire professional identity. Because once, in
your family, only achievements were valued, and mistakes were met with shame
and comparison.
These are just two
small examples out of thousands of typical situations that pull us in every
day.
The subconscious,
which stores the history of our lives, does not speak the language of facts and
timelines. It speaks the language of emotions and bodily sensations. It is an
iceberg of emotional survival experience. When, in childhood – or during any
vulnerable period – a person experiences an intense feeling such as fear,
shame, rejection, or helplessness, the nervous system does three things: it
fixes the bodily state (tightness, coldness, tension), links it to the
situation (criticism, a raised voice, being ignored), and forms a conclusion:
“I am bad,” “You can’t trust anyone,” “The world is dangerous.” That conclusion
becomes the system’s internal setting. After that, it is merely mechanics. In
the present, a situation arises that is emotionally similar to the past, and
the nervous system automatically activates the old mode. The point of origin
remains unconscious. When it is hidden, the psyche distorts reality in three
ways:
· We generalize – “always,”
“never,” “everyone”;
· We exaggerate the
scale of the problem;
· We personalize what is
happening, reducing everything to our own inadequacy.
Are we robots,
prisoners of automatic mechanisms? No. The subconscious can be exposed.
Awareness already shifts the balance of power. As soon as the root becomes
clear, the scale diminishes. The problem regains specificity instead of
totality. This alone reduces the intensity of the experience and opens the
possibility of responding differently. You may not have changed your behavior
yet, but once you recognize the source, see the invalidity of the old,
oppressive conclusion about yourself and the world, you set change in motion.
One of my clients
could not understand why she was unable to create artistic work. She thought,
“Others are more talented,” “My family doesn’t value my creativity,” “I’m
afraid of doing it imperfectly.” She recognized her fear of failure and
rejection, but not their origin. In our work, a childhood story surfaced – her
relationship with a sister who rejected her, along with her creative and
spiritual inclinations. The realization was unexpected and liberating: this
very knot had been holding her back for years. Moreover, her sister, too, had
acted from her own hidden motives. An impulse arose to write her a letter and
suggest a joint creative project. The sister declined – for her own reasons.
But my client was already inspired and returned to her abandoned work. The
inner prohibition lost its power.
Where does untangling
your personal history in relationships begin? By accepting a simple yet unusual
thought: your reaction is always about you. What follows is an analysis. A
specialist can be a reliable guide, but the capacity for self-reflection is
available to everyone.
