Dear
Rachel,
I was at a playgroup with my children. My friends and I were discussing
our kids and disciplinary strategies for misbehavior. They went as far as
saying we should never give any punishments at all to our children because it
interferes with building a trusting, close relationship with them. We should
just ignore all bad behavior and reward good behavior. I’m confused now more
than ever, and a little afraid. I wonder – what kind of a parent should I be to
raise good kids?
Sincerely, Angela
Dear Angela,
Your question is one that many caring parents ask themselves. In today’s
world, there is much confusion about the right way to discipline children.
Allow me to offer you guidance through a Torah-inspired perspective.
The world can often be a confusing, chaotic, and frightening place.
However, as parents guided by the truth of Torah, we must not let these outside
forces affect our perception or relationships with loved ones. Remember, the
fact that YOU were chosen as the parent to your child, and not someone else, is
a validation of the importance of your role in your child’s life. Your children
have something significant to gain from YOU – now that’s empowering!
So never be afraid of your children–not of their reactions, or of their
personal hardships. You have what it takes to be your child’s biggest advocate
and cheerleader, while also being willing to do what’s in your child’s best
interest, even when it may not always feel good.
A growing trend in parenting today is to never punish a child or give
consequences; to ignore all bad behavior and reward good behavior. However,
according to Judaism, avoiding extremes and seeking balance is advised in most
matters and is a well- known approach of moderation (the mida beinonit) taught
by one of the greatest Jewish scholars of all time, the Rambam (Maimonides). In
addition, one of the Thirteen Principles of the Jewish Faith, as described by
the Rambam, is the belief that God rewards and punishes. Children can internalize
this belief when observing the consequences of their own behavior and the
behavior of others. Discipline never has to equate to retaliation or abuse when
the focus of the parent is to maintain a trusting and loving relationship while
guiding the child towards acceptable behavior. What about unconditional love?
Unconditional love means always loving your child, but it doesn’t mean you
won’t help them grow and learn through giving consequences to their actions
when necessary. Rewarding good behavior and correcting poor behavior are both
important parts of parenting. This is how children will eventually evolve to
become kind and respectful adults.
At the core of Jewish parenting is fostering a strong relationship with
God. The greatest Jewish leaders, as described in the Torah, all lived their
life by a common theme: they focused on developing a deep connection with God
and sought Him out in their personal lives, through prayer during both troubles
and joys. Seek to nurture this relationship by connecting with God in your own
life, seeking His guidance, and sharing your experiences with your child. The
importance of a parent’s relationship with God is not something you will
typically see discussed in modern parenting books, but it is a place of focus that
we must seek to cultivate. When we can show our child, through our own example,
that we deeply care about how we respond to life; that we genuinely want to
understand our contribution, to do what is good and elevate who we are, then we
are parenting our children with the wisdom and purpose expected of us.
B’Hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
