Dear Rachel,
My husband and I have grown
apart over the years. We don’t really fight, we just don’t have any affection
for each other or connection. He works all day and when we have dinner together
with the kids he doesn’t share much. In the evenings he’s just sitting up
reading or at his computer. I do my own thing after I take care of the home and
children all day long. We are both tired, so we don’t do anything special for
each other. It used to bother me, but I realize this is reality. He helps with
the kids but it feels like we are just joint partners in our life together
trying to keep up with our own demands in life. What can be done for us to
become intimate and close again?
Sincerely, Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned Wife,
How wonderful it is that you
are reaching out to find a way to build intimacy with your husband again. I
commend you! First off, for a relationship to be intimate you need to not only
know a person well, but be responsive to what you know about him. So for
example, if you know he likes a particular tea every morning, have it ready for
him when he’s up and ready to start his day. If you know that during his free
time at night when everyone is asleep he likes to read at his «favorite»
reading spot at the breakfast table, have his book there, along with his
favorite mug, and tea bag with a saucer. Find little ways to communicate that
you know him in a way that most people don’t, and let him feel your personal
touch and care. I noticed you said you are «tired». This makes it hard to build
a connection as tiredness brews disinterest. It becomes like a vicious cycle.
In order to break that cycle, which you must do if you really care about
growing intimacy in your marriage again, you have to learn to smile at your
husband, even when you don’t feel like it. A bright sunny smile goes a long way
when your spouse sees this every morning. Also, notice anything he does that is
good, helpful, or thoughtful and verbalize your appreciation in a short, simple
way – «it was kind of you to help our neighbor with his car». Anything he
shares with you, encourage conversation by being an active listener – look him
in the eye and stop what you are doing to show him that he is a priority. While
you are doing all these things, invest in yourself with good personal care as
it will make you feel dignified. Feed your body and soul with goodness. These
subtle changes will make all the difference in your marriage! The chances are
very good that he will begin to respond to your efforts. Be patient and it will
happen. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
