Dear Rachel,
My husband and I have grown apart over the years. We don’t really fight, we just don’t have any affection for each other or connection. He works all day and when we have dinner together with the kids he doesn’t share much. In the evenings he’s just sitting up reading or at his computer. I do my own thing after I take care of the home and children all day long. We are both tired, so we don’t do anything special for each other. It used to bother me, but I realize this is reality. He helps with the kids but it feels like we are just joint partners in our life together trying to keep up with our own demands in life. What can be done for us to become intimate and close again?
Sincerely, Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned Wife,
How wonderful it is that you are reaching out to find a way to build intimacy with your husband again. I commend you! First off, for a relationship to be intimate you need to not only know a person well, but be responsive to what you know about him. So for example, if you know he likes a particular tea every morning, have it ready for him when he’s up and ready to start his day. If you know that during his free time at night when everyone is asleep he likes to read at his «favorite» reading spot at the breakfast table, have his book there, along with his favorite mug, and tea bag with a saucer. Find little ways to communicate that you know him in a way that most people don’t, and let him feel your personal touch and care. I noticed you said you are «tired». This makes it hard to build a connection as tiredness brews disinterest. It becomes like a vicious cycle. In order to break that cycle, which you must do if you really care about growing intimacy in your marriage again, you have to learn to smile at your husband, even when you don’t feel like it. A bright sunny smile goes a long way when your spouse sees this every morning. Also, notice anything he does that is good, helpful, or thoughtful and verbalize your appreciation in a short, simple way – «it was kind of you to help our neighbor with his car». Anything he shares with you, encourage conversation by being an active listener – look him in the eye and stop what you are doing to show him that he is a priority. While you are doing all these things, invest in yourself with good personal care as it will make you feel dignified. Feed your body and soul with goodness. These subtle changes will make all the difference in your marriage! The chances are very good that he will begin to respond to your efforts. Be patient and it will happen. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
