Dear Rachel,
Growing up, I had a hard time focusing in school and my teachers often made me feel dumb, embarassing me in class so that I always felt pathetic. My parents called me names that hurt, saying that I would never amount to anything worthwhile since I can’t get my act together and do well in school. Also, I cannot handle big jobs where I have to endure a lot of pressure – I just freeze up. I feel worthless. Now I am an adult and want to get out of this cycle of negative self talk that has dominated my life since the time I was young and finally live my best self. Yet I am afraid of trying anything for fear of failing and feeling that it will end in me feeling bad about myself all over again. Can you please advise me?
Sincerely, Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
I hear the pain you describe; the hurt behind the image you have come to feel is you. Though we cannot change our past, the good news is, we can reframe our past with a different lense so that our focus becomes not on the pain, but the lessons learned from the pain and how we can apply that pain to something that will help the world around us in some way. This is a big part of our life’s mission. You must know that you have exceptional qualities and strengths that you were brought into this world to utilize and develop. Perhaps you are loyal and trustworthy? Maybe you are poetic and artistic? Or sensitive and a good listener? Sit down and write every strength you can think of that you have. Next, pin up the list where you can see it and read it everyday. Keep adding to that list when something comes up where you noticed a strength you had in a certain situation. What you’re doing is recreating the image of who you really are. Next – the negative voice in your head...to minimize this over time, become mindful of your thoughts. Don’t judge yourself, just notice where your thoughts go and acknowledge them. After you notice your thoughts, there will be times when you just accept them and let them be, other times when you’ll ask yourself more deeper questions, or other times when you will want to reframe your thought from a negative to a positive, for example: «Again I’m late for my appointment! What is wrong with me?! I hate myself that I can’t be on time anywhere»! Instead, redirect your thought to – »Take a deep breath. This is really hard for me, to be late when I don’t want to be. I don’t like this feeling so I am going to learn some tools to help me become better at timeliness». Next, take VERY SMALL steps towards taking on tasks involving pressure. First start off with the least amount of pressure and slowly add on a little more only when you have succeeded in what you can currently handle. Take any goals you want to make within yourself and learn what tools you need to achieve those goals. Remember, God made you just the way you are, so trust His creation. There has never been a YOU before you were born and there never will be a YOU again. That makes you irreplaceable! Change your mindset from «hope-less» to «hope-ful»; Hopeful of all the good you have to share with others and the difference only you can make... B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
