Dear Rachel,
I am relieved the school year is over. Every year my child complains about the particular teacher she has that year. This has been ongoing no matter who the new teacher is for that year. Now, it’s not like I don’t care. I listen to my child’s feelings. I even talked to her teachers and they genuinely sounded like they really care. They want my child to be happy and enjoy school. How do I prepare my child for the upcoming school year so that she is not complaining so much about her teachers and somehow finds a way to just be happy?
All the best, Hanna
Dear Hanna,
Like many caring mothers, you want your child to appreciate the process of learning from her teachers. You also want her to complain less and to be happy. One of the most important parenting lessons I’ve learned while raising my own children is that you cannot make your children happy. That is their job alone. Perhaps this is why so many times when parents bend over backwards to make their children happy they end up with kids still complaining and unsatisfied. It’s God’s way of redirecting what should be our primary focus in proper parenting: to guide children towards developing a purpose driven outlook; one that empowers them to look for the good, to learn, grow, contribute and ultimately develop resilience. Here are a few strategies to help your child cultivate this mindset in the classroom setting:
Building Resilience: We can all agree that having resilience better prepares us for overcoming life’s many challenges. The way we can help our child develop this character attribute is by not viewing every problem they come against as an obstacle to their happiness. Instead, we must see the opportunity for character growth within the challenge, and then guide them in that direction. This can be a struggle and an uncomfortable process, as it involves teaching the child to respond to difficulties in ways that might initially be counterintuitive to her. It's natural for a child to feel resistance to this process. The key is to stay upbeat (not preachy and judgmental), patient, and show confidence in the child’s ability to rise above her obstacles.
Seeing the Options Available: Often, the root behind frustration is an overwhelming feeling of being stuck in a problem with no way out. When you help your child see the various options available for her to overcome a challenge, she will often feel a sense of relief and the confidence she needs to move forward. An example would be communicating her needs to her teacher, when appropriate. Teachers cannot always guess what a child is thinking.
Understanding the Teacher: The next step is to help your child understand that God created teachers with different teaching styles and personalities to help students grow optimally. Each teacher's style is unique, with something valuable to offer. Some might be sensitive and attentive, modeling the beauty of kindness and understanding. Others might focus on order, structure, and timeliness, which can be equally valuable lessons. Help your child see that every teacher, no matter her style, can offer something beneficial, provided she is open to learning from them.
The Student’s Job: Children often think that they need to like their teachers. It’s true that we can learn best when that component of liking the person is there. However, if we teach our child that their job as a student is to learn from their teacher, regardless of whether they like the person, it can make the school year much more productive and successful. Ask your child to identify what specific skills or knowledge she can gain from each teacher. This could be an exercise, turning it into a game. Not only will this practice cultivate a focus on the good, but it also develops a mindset of growth and resilience, teaching her that not everyone needs to be liked, but everyone has something she can learn from.
Your child's experiences at school, both positive and negative, are wonderful opportunities for self-growth. The goal isn't to shield her from struggles, but to provide her with the tools to handle them effectively and come out stronger. As she learns to navigate these experiences independently, she will grow and develop, ultimately discovering her capabilities and true happiness. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
