Dear Rachel,
I am married to a highly capable man. And though I admire him, I often feel tremendous tension. He is a caring husband and father, this is true. But outside the home he takes on a lot, because he is very driven and cares about what he contributes. The problem is how nervous it makes me, with the big projects he takes on. For example, he is in charge of fundraising in the large Jewish community that we are a part of. He has his own business and envisions making it into a large company. He leads meetings regarding important community matters and is now being considered for a leadership role. When he asks for my advice or wants me to listen to his challenges, I do it, but I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to listen to any of it! I hate it, because I am by nature introverted and can’t imagine taking on what he does. Also, I grew up in my family seeing how insufficient funds can bring so much pressure into the home, so I am very careful with money and taking any risks. I panic inside when he talks about expanding his business, investing, etc. Why can’t he just have a normal 9-5 job like so many others and give up on these huge plans and projects?! Please help me gain some clarity.
Sincerely, Galina
Dear Galina,
Your feelings of anxiety are understandable, being that your nature is quite different than your husband’s. Also, your negative childhood experiences related to finances are a trigger for you, making the panic resurface every time your husband mentions his business/financial plans. I am sure, however, more than validation, what you are longing for is some control over yourself and your circumstances. You don't want to feel repeatedly provoked to an emotionally uncomfortable place where you feel stuck.
It’s often difficult to see a situation clearly when you are personally involved, so let me tell you what I see as a person looking in from the outside, based on what you shared. You married a man who has a driven and capable nature. He attempts to grow and expand as a person, as opposed to just staying comfortable in the same place. This is not something that will likely change, this is who he is. You might wish for him to have a 9-5 job but this is not reality. When you come to accept that your husband will not change, you can then focus all your energy on learning how to effectively respond to the situations that trigger you into panic. The long-term goal would be for you to become empowered within yourself, as well as in your role as your husband's wife.
Daily journaling, along with finding a wise counselor or life coach, can help you process and understand your feelings and reactions to your husband’s nature, while looking at different and effective ways of responding. As a result, you will begin to feel less threatened and panicked by his nature and the choices he makes. In this way, you challenge yourself to become a stronger individual. But you have to be willing to go outside your comfort zone to actualize the choices before you. Eventually, you will start to feel less «stuck» and more secure in the actual reality of a given situation – as opposed to what you perceive is happening or will happen.
Lastly, though you dislike when your husband confides in you because of the overwhelming discomfort you start to feel, the amazingly positive side of this is that he trusts you enough to share his feelings with you. He also trusts your judgment, otherwise he would not ask for your advice. And being that you describe him as such a competent person, if he trusts your judgment then it must mean that you have sensibilities that he feels are of help to him. Your support matters to him. This is something to celebrate!
With proper counseling and introspection, you can start to appreciate your own capabilities that right now are hidden to you because of your fears. Over time, rising above your challenges, you will experience how much you have to contribute to your husband's mission – which ultimately is shared by you to benefit the world at large. This is what is meant in Judaism when a wife is described as an *ezer kenegdo* to her husband, a «helper». But more than a helper, she is a «compatible helper», a part of the deepest essence of himself that he has yet to discover. How about that for REAL romance? B'Hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
