Dear
Rachel,
I immigrated from Bukhara to
the US with my parents, siblings and extended family many years ago. I was
raised with strong Jewish values and traditions. My grandmother lived with us
until her old age. I remember the scarf she wore around her head. And I
remember my grandmother’s devotion when she prayed. I too used to speak to God,
until the day I stopped. When I was only 20 and my mother passed away from a
terrible illness that brought her much suffering, I stopped talking to God. I
had begged Him not to take her, and He did anyway. From then on I turned away
from God. Fast forward 15 years later, it was my 35th birthday and a close
cousin of mine sent me a blown up photo of me as a little girl watching
intently as my grandmother was praying. I burst into tears when I saw the
photo. It reminded me of my deep love for her, but also, seeing that glimpse of
her once again absorbed in prayer stirred something inside of me. I could not
stop crying. Suddenly, I desperately missed what I once had, that my
grandmother never lost. And now I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know
how to live with God yet I long to have what my grandmother had – unshakeable
belief and trust in God. I have to admit, I am provoked to anxiety just
thinking about this. It’s intimidating and scary. I don’t want to believe that
God exists and He can control and take things away. On the other hand, I now
yearn for the connection I once felt so long ago. I saw your column at my
aunt’s apartment and thought of writing to you. How can I make peace with my
strong contrary feelings fighting each other?
Sincerely, Marina
Dear Marina,
In reading your heartfelt
letter, I couldn’t help but make the association with your experience of
longing for what you once felt when you had a connection to God, to that which
Jews today are trying to feel in the time leading up to Tisha B’Av, the saddest
day of the year for Jews as we mourn the destruction of our Holy Temple (Beit
Hamikdash) from 2000 years ago that stood in Jerusalem. It is from the
destruction of our Temple that resulted in the profound loss of the Godly
presence and connection that we once had. As Jews in today’s modern world, we
will never fully grasp the significance of this deep loss because we do not
have any memory of what life was like when the Temple stood. We don’t remember
how different life was for not only the nation of Jews, but the whole world. If
we only knew, we would be able to mourn properly and long for that which we
once had. In a similar way, you are experiencing your own loss of a time when
you felt God and saw a real representation of this connection through your dear
grandmother. However, unlike the Jews today who cannot recall the devastating
loss that came from the destruction of the Temple, you can remember the time
when you were connected to God. You remember how that felt, so you can properly
long for it back. On the other hand, you experienced your past trauma in losing
your mother and negatively associated that experience with God so now,
understandably, you are scared. Sometimes, the perfectly healthy thing to do
when you are feeling strong, conflicting emotions is to simply accept them.
Give yourself the time and space to explore your feelings and thoughts, without
judging yourself. Remind yourself that at times we are afraid of that which is
unknown to us or perhaps even misunderstood by us. The way to relate with our
fears is to take slow, gradual steps towards trying to connect to a more
positive state of mind. You can write a long letter as though you are writing
to your grandmother and share all your thoughts. How do you think she would
have answered you? Try to recall her words of wisdom.
Contacting a kind orthodox
Rabbi in your community who can connect you with warm families that you can
enjoy a Shabbat meal with could be a lovely way to explore your roots without
feeling intimidated. Yet another idea is to try a positive explorative
experience through taking a guided trip to Israel (e-mail me for some
suggestions). Most importantly – don’t be afraid of your feelings! Treat them
like you would a frightened child – with love and compassion. Feel empowered
that through seeing this photo of you and your grandmother, you were given an
opportunity to reclaim that which might have seemed lost, but like God Himself,
has been there all along… B’hatzchala!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
