Dear
Rachel,
I have a 9 year old son who
is being bullied at school. He’s being pushed around verbally. The boy in his
class is bigger and my son is timid. The bigger boy says things to my son like
calling him a «mouse» for being quiet all the time, calling his food gross, and
constantly making remarks that make my son feel very small. Although my son
avoids the bully like I told him to and I have spoken to the teachers about it,
somehow he is bullied when the teachers don’t notice, like walking to class or
at breaks. Now my son doesn’t want to go to school and hates what used to be a
wonderful experience for him. Can you offer some advice? I hate seeing him like
this!
Sincerely, Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
It’s painful to see our
children scared and upset. You took the right step to make the teachers aware
and in advising your son to avoid the boy. Since you wrote about verbal
bullying, I will address this and not physical bullying. Though a child will
still benefit from the suggestions below, overcoming physical bullying would
require additional points to take into consideration. When your son tells you
he is being bullied, realize that as a parent you have the potential to be a
strong influence on him. This means that if through your facial expressions and
words you communicate fear, he will internalize fear. If you communicate
resilience, he will internalize resilience. Since bullying has always existed
and continues to exist, we have to accept that there’s a life lesson to be
learned. This is not just about teaching your child what to do in a bullying
situation. It’s deeper than that. It’s about teaching him to become a
principle-centered individual so that no matter who he comes across, even when
he is a grown up (let’s face it there are tons of mean adults), he will stay
grounded and unaffected. The way to do this is to help your son understand that
the bully-victim relationship is a game that depends both on the roles: bully
and the victim. The dynamic goes like this: the bully wants to win the game by
asserting his power over the person that he perceives is weaker, the victim. As
long as the victim continues to try to prove himself to the bully by arguing
back or fighting, the bully wins and the game continues. The game only ends
when the bully loses in asserting his power over the victim. But how can your
son accomplish ending this game? By teaching him 2 primary principles: (1) No
one is better than him and he is not better than anyone. What this also teaches
is that an individual owns his own self worth and no one can take this away
from him. (2) The Golden Rule: Always treat others the way you want others to
treat you. Though bullying expert Izzy Kalman teaches that the Golden Rule is
fundamental to learning resilience in responding to bullies, it’s actually a
Torah-based concept that was taught by Hillel (one of our great Sages) and has
been around for thousands of years. It’s much harder to be mean to a person who
is nice to you, then a person who is arguing back. Here’s an example of the 2
principles being used on someone bullying...Bully: «You’re ugly». Victim
responds using the 2 principles: «I am happy with myself no matter what you
say, and I will still be nice to you. By the way, I like how you answered the
question in class today». Or the child can respond nonchalantly with, «You
think I’m ugly. Ok», and then go off to play, seemingly unmoved. The bully may
try to go on but if the «victim» stays calm and focused on responding with the
2 principles in mind, the «victim» will end up winning the game. This may be
hard to do, but as a parent you can model confidence in your child’s ability to
learn and live by these 2 principles, which will have the power to transform
him. Role playing is key! Practice taking turns pretending to be the bully and
the victim. You will have a wonderful time in the process and your son will
develop the self worth he needs to be resilient for the rest of his life.
B’hatzchala!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
