Dear Rachel,
I immigrated from Bukhara to the US with my parents, siblings and extended family many years ago. I was raised with strong Jewish values and traditions. My grandmother lived with us until her old age. I remember the scarf she wore around her head. And I remember my grandmother’s devotion when she prayed. I too used to speak to God, until the day I stopped. When I was only 20 and my mother passed away from a terrible illness that brought her much suffering, I stopped talking to God. I had begged Him not to take her, and He did anyway. From then on I turned away from God. Fast forward 15 years later, it was my 35th birthday and a close cousin of mine sent me a blown up photo of me as a little girl watching intently as my grandmother was praying. I burst into tears when I saw the photo. It reminded me of my deep love for her, but also, seeing that glimpse of her once again absorbed in prayer stirred something inside of me. I could not stop crying. Suddenly, I desperately missed what I once had, that my grandmother never lost. And now I don’t know how to get it back. I don’t know how to live with God yet I long to have what my grandmother had – unshakeable belief and trust in God. I have to admit, I am provoked to anxiety just thinking about this. It’s intimidating and scary. I don’t want to believe that God exists and He can control and take things away. On the other hand, I now yearn for the connection I once felt so long ago. I saw your column at my aunt’s apartment and thought of writing to you. How can I make peace with my strong contrary feelings fighting each other?
Sincerely, Marina
Dear Marina,
In reading your heartfelt letter, I couldn’t help but make the association with your experience of longing for what you once felt when you had a connection to God, to that which Jews today are trying to feel in the time leading up to Tisha B’Av, the saddest day of the year for Jews as we mourn the destruction of our Holy Temple (Beit Hamikdash) from 2000 years ago that stood in Jerusalem. It is from the destruction of our Temple that resulted in the profound loss of the Godly presence and connection that we once had. As Jews in today’s modern world, we will never fully grasp the significance of this deep loss because we do not have any memory of what life was like when the Temple stood. We don’t remember how different life was for not only the nation of Jews, but the whole world. If we only knew, we would be able to mourn properly and long for that which we once had. In a similar way, you are experiencing your own loss of a time when you felt God and saw a real representation of this connection through your dear grandmother. However, unlike the Jews today who cannot recall the devastating loss that came from the destruction of the Temple, you can remember the time when you were connected to God. You remember how that felt, so you can properly long for it back. On the other hand, you experienced your past trauma in losing your mother and negatively associated that experience with God so now, understandably, you are scared. Sometimes, the perfectly healthy thing to do when you are feeling strong, conflicting emotions is to simply accept them. Give yourself the time and space to explore your feelings and thoughts, without judging yourself. Remind yourself that at times we are afraid of that which is unknown to us or perhaps even misunderstood by us. The way to relate with our fears is to take slow, gradual steps towards trying to connect to a more positive state of mind. You can write a long letter as though you are writing to your grandmother and share all your thoughts. How do you think she would have answered you? Try to recall her words of wisdom.
Contacting a kind orthodox Rabbi in your community who can connect you with warm families that you can enjoy a Shabbat meal with could be a lovely way to explore your roots without feeling intimidated. Yet another idea is to try a positive explorative experience through taking a guided trip to Israel (e-mail me for some suggestions). Most importantly – don’t be afraid of your feelings! Treat them like you would a frightened child – with love and compassion. Feel empowered that through seeing this photo of you and your grandmother, you were given an opportunity to reclaim that which might have seemed lost, but like God Himself, has been there all along… B’hatzchala!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
