Dear Rachel,
There are things about my
husband that drive me crazy. I have realized after many years that he is not
going to change!! How do I live with this reality and still create peace in the
home and in my life?!
Sincerely, Distressed Wife
Dear Distressed Wife,
Obviously, every situation
is different, and I am not addressing husbands who are abusive, have addictions
or have affairs? I am referring to your average decent husband. Here is my
answer: Let us say G-d decided to reveal Himself to you back before you met
your husband and He said to you, «I created you because I need you to be my
partner in helping to repair and improve the world. One way I want you to do
this is through the man you are destined to marry. He may be difficult at times
to live with, I know because I created him. But nevertheless, I need him to be
loved. The right way of loving him means accepting that he will have flaws that
really bother you. The second part of loving him will be to look for all the
ways he brings something positive into the world and making him aware of it. He
needs to know that you notice the good he is capable of. Will you do this for
Me»? Believe me, one way or another you will end up saying YES, after all, G-d
can be quite onvincing when he wants you to be a part of something significant!
If you have the perspective that G-d is asking for your help and this is a part
of your mission, it will be much easier to accept your husband’s flaws.
Practically speaking, you first must have meaningful goals and interests daily
that you are involved in that bring you pleasure so that you are not dependent
on your husband to always keep you happy. Another thing that helps you have
sustained happiness in your situation is to keep a gratitude journal and write
down every day the good things your husband does (big and small) that you are
grateful for. Make the list as long as you can, and express your gratitude to
your husband daily (this is an important step!). Lastly, let go of trying to
change him. It will be liberating for both of you because then he can take
responsibility for his own choices, and you can focus on the choices in your
own life. Sometimes, G-d brings us difficult people in our family to challenge
us to be more patient and compassionate, but He also does this in order so that
we develop our own sense of self-worth. We must teach ourselves that the
reactions and life choices of another person, regardless if he is our parent,
child, or spouse, does not determine our own self worth. When you realize this,
and understand the importance of letting go of that control, you can then begin
to change your own response to him. If he annoys you, who says you have to
react in the same way you always do? A different response can prove to be more
effective in helping you retain your calm and dignity. And always – never
underestimate the power of prayer. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
