Dear Rachel,
There are things about my husband that drive me crazy. I have realized after many years that he is not going to change!! How do I live with this reality and still create peace in the home and in my life?!
Sincerely, Distressed Wife
Dear Distressed Wife,
Obviously, every situation is different, and I am not addressing husbands who are abusive, have addictions or have affairs? I am referring to your average decent husband. Here is my answer: Let us say G-d decided to reveal Himself to you back before you met your husband and He said to you, «I created you because I need you to be my partner in helping to repair and improve the world. One way I want you to do this is through the man you are destined to marry. He may be difficult at times to live with, I know because I created him. But nevertheless, I need him to be loved. The right way of loving him means accepting that he will have flaws that really bother you. The second part of loving him will be to look for all the ways he brings something positive into the world and making him aware of it. He needs to know that you notice the good he is capable of. Will you do this for Me»? Believe me, one way or another you will end up saying YES, after all, G-d can be quite onvincing when he wants you to be a part of something significant! If you have the perspective that G-d is asking for your help and this is a part of your mission, it will be much easier to accept your husband’s flaws. Practically speaking, you first must have meaningful goals and interests daily that you are involved in that bring you pleasure so that you are not dependent on your husband to always keep you happy. Another thing that helps you have sustained happiness in your situation is to keep a gratitude journal and write down every day the good things your husband does (big and small) that you are grateful for. Make the list as long as you can, and express your gratitude to your husband daily (this is an important step!). Lastly, let go of trying to change him. It will be liberating for both of you because then he can take responsibility for his own choices, and you can focus on the choices in your own life. Sometimes, G-d brings us difficult people in our family to challenge us to be more patient and compassionate, but He also does this in order so that we develop our own sense of self-worth. We must teach ourselves that the reactions and life choices of another person, regardless if he is our parent, child, or spouse, does not determine our own self worth. When you realize this, and understand the importance of letting go of that control, you can then begin to change your own response to him. If he annoys you, who says you have to react in the same way you always do? A different response can prove to be more effective in helping you retain your calm and dignity. And always – never underestimate the power of prayer. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
