Dear Rachel,
I have an older sister and
we are not on speaking terms. Even though I don’t think she was right in the
way she had always treated me in the past as inferior because I’m the younger
sister, I feel I have grown as a person and wonder if she has too. I have
developed my self-worth and I feel ready to have her in my life again. I also
now have young children and would like them to know they have an aunt and
cousins in their life. I am not sure how to reintroduce a relationship that had
once gone sour – especially since it’s been 5 years since we spoke and I do not
know what she is like now! Can you help me?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds like you have
developed emotional maturity during your time apart from your sister. And if
your sister will once again be disrespectful, you have refined yourself
sufficiently to be able to respond in a healthy manner and set appropriate
boundaries. There is no guarantee she has developed the same growth oriented
mindset as you, but there’s no reason why you cannot try to make amends and
reunite. She may be feeling just as you and not sure how to move forward. The
simplest approach is to call her and when she gets on the line communicate how
happy you are to speak to her. Sounding as though you are over the past and
ready to start anew can be a great way to reset the relationship on new
grounds. This will give you both the opportunity to put into use the inner
growth you’ve developed over the years, and in doing so, create a close
relationship. Initially she may be taken aback by your sudden call and happy
tone, but do this consistently and she will warm up to your warmth if she has
grown as a person, like you have. Try not to be discouraged if she chooses to
close the door on your seeking to reunite. Sometimes people are not ready to
see the truth for what it is – that people can evolve and grow. People’s
grudges are often too deep for them to be open to reconciliation. Their
insistence on being right, on jumping to conclusions and judging others unfavorably
takes primary focus so that there’s no room for anything else. The correct
mindset however is what our Jewish sages of blessed memory teach us: Do unto
others as you would want others to do unto you – meaning, what is hateful to
you, you should not do to someone else. So if you would hate for anyone to hold
a grudge against you, don’t do this to others! Another similar teaching is
found in the text, Sefer Hamitzvot, by Rambam (one of the greatest Torah
scholars) who writes: «One is required to judge one’s fellow favorably».
Judging a fellow favorably means you are not only making the choice to see the
good in them, but you are also choosing not to make assumptions that may not be
true. This is the ultimate kindness. And as King David said, Olam chesed
yi-baneh – «the world is built on kindness». Call your sister and feel assured
that you are being most kind in seeking peace in your relationship. Even if she
isn’t willing to reconcile, know that in this area of life, you will now not
have any regrets. What a relief that is! You will not have to wonder if you
could have done more. You will be confident that you did your part. Wishing you
a wonderful reunion! B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
