Dear Rachel,
I just had my first baby six weeks ago. It's been such a hard
transition! There's so much I don't know. When he cries for over five minutes,
I start to feel panic, trapped, and fearful. If I have faith in G-d, is it
normal to still feel this fear? And, what can I do to calm myself more?
Sincerely, Esther
Dear Esther,
Mazal tov on the birth of your baby boy! Becoming a mother is an incredible, yet challenging, transition. The wide range of emotions you're feeling, including fear, uncertainty, and panic, is quite common and doesn't undermine your faith. Here are 7 tips to answer your questions:
Accept Your Emotions: First and foremost, give yourself permission to experience what you're feeling. Fear is a natural part of life to a certain degree and especially during major life transitions. It can help you seek out ways to settle yourself gradually into your new life, and make new connections. Work through your emotions patiently, instead of fighting them.
Ground Yourself: When your brain thinks you are not safe, panic starts to set in. Tell yourself that you are safe and that this moment is temporary. You are learning and growing. Reminding yourself of this can serve as an emotional anchor, providing a sense of stability. Also, defining and then redirecting your thoughts can be highly effective: «I am feeling overwhelmed, but I am safe and capable. Now I'm going to focus on coping strategies that will help me move forward».
Discovering Tools: In life, we feel trapped and panicked when we don't realize our options. There are many coping tools to manage anxiety that you can learn about and choose to use. Here's just one: Practicing slow, deep breathing can signal to the brain that you are safe, allowing your body to relax. Knowing you have choices you can utilize is how you can minimize feeling trapped and regain a sense of empowerment.
Faith in Action: Is faith and fear compatible? Jewish history offers clear examples, such as the great King David, who consistently turned to G-d in times of profound despair. His faith did not make him fearless at all times. Rather, his trust and belief in G-d allowed him to grow; to actualize his inner strength and overcome his fears. Even when King David did prevail over his challenges, he always praised G-d, never forgetting that He is the source of his victories. Another example comes from our forefather, Yaakov Aveinu. Despite his immense faith in G-d, he experienced fear and great distress when facing a reunion with his brother Esav, who had once sought to kill him. Esav was now going to be approaching Yaakov and his family with an army of 400 men! Yaakov created a strategic plan for this meeting and an important part of the plan was to pray to G-d for His protection and assistance. Rabbi Shimon Schwab commented that fear is a natural emotion, even for the most pious, when faced in a dangerous situation. Rabbi Yitzchak Abarbanel adds that Yaakov's trust in G-d became even more meaningful because though he felt fear, he turned to G-d for help and then took assertive action. This story teaches that faith doesn't negate fear; rather, it gives us the courage to move forward despite it.
Balance Self-Care: Proper sleep (embrace nap time!), good nutrition, fresh air, and physical movement replenishes you, making the task of motherhood less stressful and more enjoyable. Also adding something that helps you enjoy your day more – like listening to music, having social interaction, etc. can uplift you.
Create Community Support: Reach out to wise, trusted friends or mentors, where you can share your experiences, seek advice, and remember that you're not alone on this journey.
Prioritize Your Marriage: Schedule regular date nights that both you and your spouse can look forward to, even if it's just for an hour. Also, make an effort to connect meaningfully each day, such as sharing a meal together after the baby falls asleep. Taking time to focus on your marriage will strengthen your bond and help you both through this life-changing transition.
May your motherhood be blessed with balance, G-dly assistance, and much joy. B'hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
