Dear Readers,
In our previous discussions, I emphasized providing
advice to nurture harmonious relationships between mothers and daughters-in-law
within the new family dynamics following a wedding. Before delving into
specific scenarios and offering corresponding advice, I incorporate
motivational quotes to underscore the significance of cultivating a healthy
relationship between mothers and daughters-in-law.
General marriage advice: Embarking on the journey of marriage marks the beginning
of real work in your relationship. Even if you've found your perfect match, it
doesn't guarantee that the marriage journey will be easy. As a couple, you'll
undoubtedly face various life obstacles. In those moments, I suggest resisting
discouragement, frustration, or disappointment. Instead, view these challenges
as opportunities for personal growth and improvement.
Life rarely unfolds exactly as we
imagine or plan. It's essential to let go of rigid expectations, have faith in
the process, and commit to continuous improvement within yourself and your
marriage. Embrace the unpredictability of life's twists and turns, and
remember, not every path will be smooth.
During moments of despair, when you
feel at your lowest, consider revisiting your wedding album. Let the captured
memories be a powerful reminder of the love and joy that brought you and your
spouse together. Reflect on how it felt in the beginning when you first met.
This reflection can reignite the spark and motivation to persevere through
challenges. Never lose sight of the commitment you made to each other.
Marriage is a journey; like any
journey, it requires effort, patience, and resilience. When faced with
adversity, take a moment to appreciate the shared history, celebrate progress,
and renew your dedication to the future.
In those
challenging times, remember that working through difficulties strengthens your
bond and builds a foundation for a lasting and fulfilling marriage. Embrace the journey, learn from every experience, and
never give up on the beautiful connection you've created.
Why are we concentrating mainly on the mother and
daughters-in-law? Because the
mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is the most critical in any family
system. When a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law do not get along, the
resulting tension affects everyone in the family, from the father-in-law and
husband/son to the daughter-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and even
children/grandchildren. Many often feel the need to take sides, whether openly
or in a quieter, more subtle way. Regardless, no one is immune from what is
going on in this relationship.
What is the Mother-in-law Daughter-in-law Syndrome? The syndrome emerges when the two female household
members fail to establish rapport, resulting in tension that detrimentally
impacts the overall home atmosphere. While such issues have historically
existed, they have become even more conspicuous in today's evolving times.
Motivational quote: «It is not the strongest of the species that survives or
the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptable to
change» – Charles Darwin
In issue №268, we presented a real-life
scenario from the mother-in-law’s perspective. Below is the story and my
advice.
«Dear Shalom Bait group, my son
got married two weeks ago. I invited the newlyweds to Shabbat for the first
time. My daughter-in-law brought a couple of pastries from the store but didn’t
offer to help or make at least some salads. My daughter is also married but
always brings homemade salads, baking, or both to her mother-in-law. I am
agitated and want to tell my son our ways so the next time she knows to bring
some homemade dishes. »
Recommended approach: Congratulations on your son's marriage; it's time to
foster a positive beginning. Recall the early days of your marriage and the
feelings when you attended the first Shabbat at your mother-in-law's house. As
your son embarks on this new chapter, welcome your daughter-in-law with
gratitude and understanding.
Remember that she comes from a
different background and may not be familiar with your customs. Perhaps she is
thoughtful but unaware of your kashrut preferences. It's possible she was
overwhelmed after the wedding and managed to attend college on the same day.
Given that it's her first Shabbat, you, as a wise and experienced woman at
home, can welcome her gently and guide her to your ways. A marriage flourishes
with understanding and support, like a tree that needs loving care to grow.
Regarding your daughter's similar
actions, take a moment to thank Hashem for your children and commend yourself
for raising your daughter well. Acknowledge the positive efforts and
contributions your family brings to these family unions. May your son's married
life be filled with love and understanding, and both families grow
harmoniously.
The following story was taken from the
Facebook group BTP.
Problem: A young, working, and independent couple with two
preschool-aged children found themselves in a challenging situation when the
husband's father passed away. As the husband is the only son, he and his wife
decided to bring his mother into their home. A concerning dynamic emerged
despite providing separate facilities and accommodations for his mother.
Regrettably, the mother-in-law began displaying disrespectful behavior towards
her daughter-in-law, frequently interfering and making insulting remarks about
her background in the presence of their young grandchildren. Despite the
daughter-in-law's sincere efforts to accommodate her mother-in-law's needs, the
atmosphere remains strained, with the mother-in-law appearing consistently
unhappy and dissatisfied.
To address the situation, a suggestion
was made for the mother-in-law to have a separate apartment next to them.
Still, she declined the offer, complicating the efforts to find a resolution.
Addressing issues
with a problematic mother-in-law can be challenging, but here are some
potential steps to consider:
1. Identify the
root of the problem
– we know that your mother-in-law lost her husband, and she could be upset and
depressed and feel alone due to this loss.
2. The best
approach is open – honest communication. Initiate a sincere and open conversation
with your mother-in-law. Share your feelings and concerns calmly and encourage
her to express her thoughts.
3. Seek
Understanding – Try to understand her perspective. Sometimes,
problematic behavior may stem from unexpressed emotions or misunderstandings.
4. Set Boundaries
– Define boundaries regarding interference and disrespectful comments. Make it known
that such behavior is unacceptable, especially in front of the grandchildren.
Try to speak calmly. Usually, it's not what you are saying. It’s the tone you
are using. I know it's tough to communicate calmly.
5. Offer
Alternatives – Revisit the suggestion of a separate apartment. Emphasize that
it could provide more privacy and independence for everyone.
6. Involve your spouse
– Discuss the situation with your spouse and ensure you are on the same page. Present a united
front when addressing the issue with the mother-in-law!
7. Encourage
Positive Interactions – take proactive steps to build a more positive
connection.
Consider complimenting her on aspects you genuinely appreciate, such as her
cooking or the way she helps with the children. Express your gratitude for her
contributions to the family. Additionally, a small, thoughtful present can
serve as a gesture of appreciation, helping to bridge gaps and create a more
harmonious atmosphere in the household.
I trust
this content can benefit someone, and I'm open to suggestions for topics to
address in our upcoming posts. Navigating
familial dynamics can be a universal experience, and the insights shared here
aim to offer support and assistance beyond the immediate context. May these
words resonate with others facing comparable situations, nurturing
understanding, patience, and growth within the intricate tapestry of family relationships.
Please
inform me of any situations or themes you would like to explore further.
I am
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Sincerely, Zoya Aminov
