Last time, we briefly touched on the topic of
forgiveness, and it sparked a huge response. The subject of forgiveness and
resentment is too sensitive and relevant to ignore. In my practice, I
frequently encounter resentment and personally witness the suffering of those
who hold onto it. If this article manages to touch someone’s heart, make them
reflect, and reconsider their pain and grievances, I will be proud of them—and,
without hesitation, of myself as well.
Why do some people take offense while others don’t?
Resentment is an emotional reaction to a perceived injustice or violation of
personal boundaries. It arises when our expectations do not align with reality.
The causes of resentment can include misinterpretation of a situation, a
mismatch between expectations and the actual behavior of others, or the
experience of unfair treatment. We all understand that harboring resentment is
unhealthy and makes life harder, yet we still struggle to resist feeling
offended by those who behave unjustly toward us. After all, shouldn’t they know
we are not the kind of people to be treated that way?
It can be challenging to work with a resentful person
because, in their heightened sense of justice, they refuse to let go of their
resentment. The idea of reconciliation or forgiveness seems absurd, impossible,
or even offensive. They are in pain, they suffer, and the weight of bitterness
prevents them from relaxing and fully embracing life. Someone who has been hurt
once is likely to be hurt repeatedly, quickly earning a reputation for being
overly sensitive—someone best avoided. And all attempts to appeal to reason or
to emphasize the importance of their well-being often fail. We seriously
underestimate how much resentment can destroy us from the inside. Every
physical ailment or illness is always linked to an emotional aspect—be it
resentment, fear, or anxiety.
Let’s consider this: those who are most prone to
resentment often have low self-esteem, heightened sensitivity, and a tendency
toward perfectionism. Subconsciously seeking validation from others, people
with low self-esteem may interpret words and actions as confirmation of their
insignificance. Acknowledging one’s own perceived insignificance is painful and
frightening, so it’s easier to blame someone else. These individuals often
suppress their desires for the sake of others, unconsciously expecting the same
in return. But reality does not always meet their expectations, providing more
reasons for resentment. Perfectionists, too, may expect flawless treatment from
others and feel offended when reality falls short. The belief that people
“should” behave a certain way sets them up for disappointment, and any
deviation from this expectation feels like a threat. Perfectionism itself is
often a symptom of insecurity and fear of failure.
Resentful people are the best scriptwriters in the world.
Without formal cinematography training, they masterfully “complete” unfinished
scenes, phrases, and actions. If you fail to greet them, glance their way, or
casually mention they look tired, they will instantly construct an entire
narrative about how you feel about them—faster than ChatGPT could generate a
response. I say this without irony or sarcasm. Every resentful person, deep
down, knows this about themselves, though they may not fully grasp the power
and depth of their own yetzer hara (the inclination toward negativity). This
inclination can seize control of our emotions and reasoning, manipulating even
our strongest traits and making us live in fear and emotional turmoil.
We have a direct commandment from the Creator—to be
happy. Anything that stands in the way of this requires deep internal work.
Let’s develop mindfulness—observe which thoughts trigger resentment, strengthen
our self-worth independently of others’ opinions, learn to perceive others’
words less subjectively, and distinguish between people’s actual attitudes and
our own insecurities. Various therapeutic methods can help with this.
And finally, again and again, that daunting
word—forgiveness! By forgiving others, we receive forgiveness from God. Dan
le-kaf zechut—judge people favorably, assuming they may have had valid
reasons for their actions, the Talmud teaches us. At the end of the day, we
come into this world to fulfill tikkun hamidot—the refinement of our
character traits, including the ability to release resentment.
