Dear Rachel,
I wondered whether to write to you. Since it will be anonymous, I decided to open up. I am a 2nd grade teacher and I take my job seriously. I love my students like my own children. I try to be sensitive to the needs of each child while building them up to love learning and believe in themselves. I teach them with all the energy, love, and effort that I have. But here is my deep, dark secret…growing up, I had the complete opposite! My parents were often dysfunctional and didn’t protect me when I needed them to. When they found out I had been abused, they couldn’t process the situation, so they swept it under the rug. I had to deal with the horrible inner pain on my own. Also, though I had some good teachers, I had enough truly bad ones that it made a much bigger impression on my self worth. My question comes from a place of pain: If there is a G-d, why would He allow this kind of darkness to ever touch the lives of innocent children? And where was G-d when I was a child and needed to be protected?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I am deeply moved that you chose to write to me. In doing so, you are helping countless others who have also experienced a difficult, if not traumatic, childhood and may have the same questions you have. When G-d created the world, on the 6th day He created mankind. As Jews, we are taught that initially the world was created for us to enjoy and appreciate, not in a wasteful way but in a meaningful and uplifting way. However, Adam and Chava (the first man and woman on earth) made choices on that first day of existence that forever changed the role of mankind in this world. We would no longer have everything effortless, like in the Garden of Eden. Instead, our role changed so that we would become partners with G-d in the development of the world. This is a daunting task to undertake but nevertheless, we are expected to fulfill it. To be partners with the Creator means 3 things have to happen: 1. We would be given a defined, personalized mission; a job that could be difficult but is necessary for the ultimate good of the world. This mission becomes more clear to us when we recognize that we are G-d’s partner. 2. We would be given an instructional manual to help us along in our mission so that we keep on the right path, with the right attitude. This instructional manual is our Torah. 3. Lastly — we would be given the gift of bechira, which is the Hebrew word for “choice,” or free will. Without free will, we could not be true partners with G-d. This doesn’t mean that when our job is difficult and happens to involve pain (like many important and big occupations do), that G-d is deserting us. Just the opposite! He is our partner and feels our pain too. Mankind hurting each other is not the intention of G-d — as clearly seen in the 10 commandments. So why is He allowing the pain to happen? Think about a doctor who treats cancer versus a doctor who went through cancer himself and then treats it — what potential difference can there be in the two? Honestly ask yourself: if you hadn’t gone through the pain you went through as a child, would you have had the same level of sensitivity towards children that you have now? Could this be a part of your mission? You feel a child’s vulnerability — because you know what it’s like to be that innocent, trusting soul who was deeply wounded. Children will be privileged to have you as a teacher and will reap the rewards of your tragic experience. But it’s not only the children who benefit. Your pain has given you the opportunity to enter a different realm of reality. You have learned how precious the soul of a child is — and in doing so, have acquired a level of G-dly wisdom that many others don’t have. Sadly, not everyone takes their pain and makes positive choices like you made, elevating their role as G-d’s partner. But whether this happens is always a choice. Continue choosing to be a positive force in life and remember — G-d is always with you! B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
