Dear Rachel,
I am a Bukharian mother and have a daughter who is married and another one in highschool. I find it very difficult to answer them when they come to me with questions about their lives as we are from two different generations. I was raised in a different culture entirely, with different values. Oftentimes, from what I have learned over the years about relationships and life, I think how my own upbringing was limited and so I don’t feel I have much wisdom to share that my daughters would feel good about. How do I answer them when they ask me hard questions about life and living?
Sincerely, Speechless Mother
Dear Speechless Mother,
I can see from your question how deeply you care about your daughters. I am sure they feel your sincere care towards them since they openly share their experiences and thoughts with you, something not every mother has the blessing of experiencing in her life. Just the fact that you feel responsible to give them valuable insight about life is honorable. To answer your question, keep in mind 3 points when listening to your daughters. The first point is when they are sharing intimate details about their lives, or even simple things – just listen fully, without the need to give them an answer. While you are listening, imagine what they are describing and what they are feeling instead of thinking of what to say. This will help them feel understood while allowing you to discover your daughters in a deeper way. With teens and young women at this age, the best thing you can do is to help them to become confident adults who are proactive and decisive. If you are always coming up with something wise to tell them then you are missing the opportunity for them to come to their own decision making on their own. The more a parent does for a grown child, including telling her what to do, the more the grown child will feel like a child instead of a developing young woman. Next, validate her feelings to show you are listening. Validating means responding with phrases that match what the person talking is experiencing or feeling, such as: «sounds like you are wondering what to do»...or «you are really in a tough spot», or «this is hard for you to go through, tell me more...» When you validate your daughter, she will feel a sense of being understood which could give her the clarity she is seeking to determine what her next step might be. After you validate her, you can ask her non judgmental questions that help her figure out her way, for example based on the issues she is discussing, «what do you value?» or «what’s more important to you?» or «what would help you to meet your goal?» The questions you pose should be those that will make her think about herself and the direction that is right for her. We are each born with our own path and journey in life so you may not always agree with her choices but it’s important that she recognizes that you trust her to make good choices in life. Your trust can help boost her confidence and self worth while giving her a sense of responsibility in her life. Sometimes you can also share lessons you have learned in life, and it doesn’t always have to be when she is posing a question. When you show your daughter you can hear her fully, that you validate her thoughts and feelings, and you trust in her decision process, you will be doing much more for her growth as a young woman than you realize. May you be blessed with seeing your daughter become the best version of herself in years to come...
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
