Dear Rachel,
I am married with children
and struggle with my extended family (parents, aunts and older siblings). They
repeatedly remind me of mistakes I have made in the past and treat me like a
child who doesn’t know her way, even though I try very hard to live a meaningful
and elevated life. They comment about my parenting, criticize choices I make
and get upset if I do not choose their way. I want to have a close, mature
relationship with them but explaining my perspective and need to be an
independent adult never helps and the argument just continues. How can I have a
good relationship with close family who want me to live according to their
ideals?
Sincerely, Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
You raise an important
question. Though oftentimes their intentions are good, some family members can
cross the line into unhealthy relationship patterns which can lead to
devastating results. Blaming, shaming, and belittling are all ways of
attempting to control a person or a situation to avoid an unwanted outcome.
Often the reason is that they were taught poor communication and coping skills
in relationships through their own interactions with parents growing up.
Instead of breaking the cycle of these learned toxic behaviors, they grow up to
continue them in their relationships with loved ones. According to Jewish
teachings, each person was brought into this world with his own mission in
life. He must acquire wisdom by learning and growing from his own experiences
(even mistakes he makes) because ultimately, this will mold him into the person
he is meant to be. The way to have a healthy relationship with family members
exhibiting controlling behaviors is by recognizing that you may be the first
person in their life who has ever drawn a line to the unhealthy dynamic. You
will be an example of an emotionally healthy response that may make them
initially feel very uncomfortable. Hopefully in the future they will come to
learn more about themselves and appreciate your ability to have proper
boundaries. Or they might never change. Either way, reacting calmly while
respectfully refusing to have to justify your choices in life is a wise
approach. If they get verbally aggressive – maintain your dignity and don’t
continue the discussion! Politely excuse yourself from the conversation.
Eventually, they will learn that becoming pushy and aggressive in their talks
with you will not work since you will not react back to their negative
behavior. Sometimes, with especially toxic family members, distance has to be
maintained. Always remember, your worth is not dependent on the approval of
anyone but the Creator of the world. He brought you into being so that you live
with a significant, individual purpose. Live it well. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
