Dear Rachel,
I read disturbing headlines of a highly respected child advocate who was found to have molested countless children and young women over many years. I was shocked, angry, and disgusted! Is there anybody we can trust these days?! Gone are the times of simple childhood where kids can roam free and safe all day in the neighborhood. I had a happy childhood with wonderful aunts, uncles, cousins, and friendly neighbors around. Having little experience with the threat of child predators, can you please offer suggestions on how I can try to keep my children safe?
Sincerely, Adina
Dear Adina,
I share your deep indignation. It’s horrifying that abuse exists, especially when it is done by those who we trust and look up to. It is scary to feel like this can happen to our own children, and it’s natural to want to respond to this fear by holding on to our children even more tightly. However, there is a different perspective we can also take. Yes, abuse exists and can happen anywhere. And yet, just like we teach our child how to swim to increase the chance that they are safe in the water, we can also respond to potential predators with a proactive approach that prepares and empowers our children – both girls and boys. To begin with, no matter what happens, a child has to have one adult she trusts completely to confide in (preferably you as the mother) should anything happen. This trust develops when the child sees you believe in her and are on her side. In other words, everything you do, you are doing out of love for her own good, not because you view your child as bad. When your child builds trust in you, it also builds her inner confidence so that there will be a greater chance of her confiding in you. Additionally, in growing a trustworthy relationship, your child must feel that when she is upset, instead of jumping to correct her feelings or fix the situation, you first listen to give her the chance to express herself and then validate her feelings, such as “Today was a really hard day for you…” or “It really hurt your feelings when…” This is another way your child will feel secure with you. Take note: if a parent easily overreacts during hardships or when a child makes errors, this can later backfire when she feels too afraid to speak up, for fear of the parent’s reaction. Developing ourselves as parents helps not only us, but also our children. After growing the foundation of trust with your child, you can begin to use the following tips to empower her against child predators: At a young age, children must be taught the importance of boundaries, learn clearly what those boundaries are, and how to protect them. They must learn what kinds of signs should be considered red flags in how people relate to them. Having a comfortable, ongoing dialogue in the home throughout the years as they grow will help them internalize these messages. Remember to explain that even people who might look good or honorable can violate boundaries, and that no one is ever allowed to do this, regardless if they are a family member or trusted authority figure. Now here is how you can further empower your child: you tell her that she has a voice; a quiet voice in her head that can alert her to know when something is not right, and the power of speech that she can use to assert herself in response. You can help your child to practice hearing her inner voice in all kinds of different scenarios (like when she needs to make a decision) by asking her, “What does your inner voice tell you?” Teach your child to use her voice to speak loudly against a predator and also by telling you when this happens, even if the child is threatened not to tell. Most importantly, if G-d forbid you are ever in the position where your child discloses abuse, she must never be made to feel at fault or that she is lying, and immediate, protective measures must be taken thereafter. Her voice must be HEARD! May G-d help you to be successful in your teachings. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
