In previous articles, we’ve talked a lot
about how difficult it is to fight with ourselves –
whether it’s exercising, letting go of resentment, or apologizing. We’ve
discussed the «elephant on a string» syndrome and the struggle against negative
inner voices, such as the voice of a hurt child raised by a strict mother. In
other words, we constantly have to overcome a huge force of resistance within
us. As V.Vysotsky wrote, «There are two ‘I’s inside me, two poles, two
opinions; two people, two enemies…»
This opposing force, known in Judaism as
the yetzer hara (the evil inclination), was also created by the Creator and
given to us as a tool for self-growth. When fighting an enemy, the most
dangerous mistake is underestimating it. Each of us must study its habits and
tactics to develop our own strategy and methods of combat.
So, the clever and cunning enemy – yetzer hara –
finds a convincing argument that makes us believe its way is right. Otherwise,
we wouldn’t trust it or allow it to take control. It works especially subtly in
family relationships. The family is where a person reveals their true self the
most. Let’s take a look at a few scenarios where this happens:
1. «I’m saying this for
your own good» – we say to our child or spouse, lecturing them and hurting
their feelings. But in truth, this could come from a desire to vent irritation
or to feel superior and wiser. The yetzer hara makes us believe that our
harsh words are caring advice.
2. Expecting others to
read our minds – Instead of honestly expressing our feelings and
needs, we stay silent and wait for our partner to «guess» them. As a result,
tension and dissatisfaction build up. The yetzer hara convinces us that
if someone loves us, they should understand our desires and feelings without us
saying a word.
3. Blaming others—«He/she
pushed me too far!» «If you hadn’t made me angry, I wouldn’t have yelled!» This
way, we justify our behavior instead of taking responsibility for our emotions.
Once again, this is the work of the sneaky enemy, making us believe someone
else is responsible for how we react.
4. Believing the other
person must change first – instead of working on ourselves, we wait for our
partner to «improve,» thinking that things will improve only then. But this is
a trap – real change begins with ourselves.
5. Comparing with others
– «Moira’s husband buys her gifts,» «Moishe’s wife always greets him with
dinner.» These illusions planted by the yetzer hara make us see only
flaws in our loved ones and only virtues in others. The result? The slow
destruction of the relationship.
6. Ignoring kind gestures
– The yetzer hara makes us focus on our loved ones’
shortcomings while overlooking their efforts and good deeds. As a result, they
feel unappreciated, and the relationship grows cold.
7. Irritation with
children due to our own issues – a tired parent might snap at a child not
because of the child’s actions but because of their own stress. Yet the yetzer
hara insists, «They pushed me too far!»
8. «I do everything for
them, and they don’t appreciate it» – this may sound noble, but it can be
rooted in hidden pride and an expectation of gratitude. True love in a family
should be unconditional, not a transaction of «service for service.»
The yetzer hara is
especially active in the family, often casting us as victims. However,
self-awareness and inner work can help us resist its influence.
