«Peace at Home» is Help Group in Our Community

Dear Bukharian Community, we are happy to see that our community grows almost daily. Each day, the restaurant celebrates the birth of a new Jewish family, which is impressive. However, with the speed of the new growth, the divorce rate is growing even more.

After many discussions between rabbis and community leaders, our «Ladies’ World» magazine decided to help our with everyday family issues to save all beautiful new families by staying married and strengthening the community.

The «Peace at Home» (Shalom bait) group was created with volunteers of different generations of men/women raising strong families and eager to help our community with their knowledge. Each month, «Peace at Home» will provide workshops for mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, etc. Please reach out to the anonymous number provided below with questions or suggestions. We will post examples of real life and solutions that helped other families.

If anyone sees themselves in this situation and wants to discuss it more or has different issues, please get in touch with us before making an irrevocable decision, especially when kids are involved. Please note that you are not alone if you can’t discuss it with your parents or friends. Now we have a «hotline» (917 374-3679) where «Peace at Home» group will provide an anonymous hotline where you can safely ask for help without judgment or concern about your identity.

Today, we are sharing some tips on maintaining a harmonious relationship among new family members after the wedding. The tips will start for a mother in law first.

Mother-in-laws –

•  Pray for the son/daughter to get married.

Every time we pray before our kids get married, we sincerely ask Hashem to send our kids a good match and for them to create a good Jewish family. We attend challah events and sign up to all Shidduch WhatsApp groups to pray that we will be good in-laws, not how our in-laws were to us. We make promises for Hashem to grant us this wish. We agree to any terms just for our kids to get married. However, when you pray for your kids to get married, don’t forget to pray for wisdom and patience for yourself as well. Finally, Hashem hears your prayers and grants the mate for your kids…… (Sounds familiar?)

• Once married, keep praying for the newlyweds to stay married.

Once Hashem hears our prayers and our kids marry, our prayer to Hashem continues for Shalom Bait and healthy future generations.

With the new person in your family, the mother-in-law needs to be a psychologist, friend, and mentor to keep a new fragile family in peace for years to come. When you have kids, your life is not about you anymore; the same concept applies when your kids are married. That means you need to adopt a new lifestyle, get to know a new family member, and be attentive, kind, and respectful of their needs. (Yes, you read it right, their needs, not yours). When your daughter-in-law or son-in-law comes to your family, it is primary your job to make their entrance welcoming. Since you are older and wiser, show the newlyweds your wisdom and make the beginning of their lives easier. No matter what the consequences, you never bring out family issues publicly. Now that you have a new member, they are your family.

Try to see things through their eyes. Do not impose your opinion and your way of doing things. Let newlyweds make their decisions and build their own homes. Offer help, give 100 percent, and try not to ask for anything in return. I know it will be tough; our kids, especially our kids-in-law, do not owe us anything. They need to learn what we are doing for them, and hopefully, they will do it for their kids.

For example, if your kids don’t want to come for Shabbat or dinner, eshvo (is a good one). Try to understand and give them space. You can say our doors are always open; if you decide to come, you are always welcome.

• If you adopted social media, detach yourself from your kids' personal lives.

This line means that older generations do not like to adjust to the new society or new ways; however, let’s discuss social media. How many older generations are using social media? I would say almost all of them; what this means is that this new trend the older generation wanted to accept. But not new working moms and equal rights for women.

 I also find that mothers-in-law who suffer from their mother-in-law don’t want to be kind to their daughter-in-law. I hear at times that I suffered, so can she, but why? Why not stop the generational trauma? You can make a difference and love your daughter/son-in-law unconditionally as you would love your child. Isn’t the Torah all about? Why not start making a change in your own home? Oh, I sometimes hear that no matter what I do, kids don’t appreciate me or never say thank you. Are you doing it for thank you? Then you are selling your services. If you don’t do it from your heart, you don’t need to do it at all. Of course, appreciation and “thank you” would be excellent, but not necessarily. I think, in all instances, our ego is on the way. Why me and not her? Change your mindset, and create a better future for yourself, your kids, and future generations.

•  You are always on your daughter/son-in-law's side.

Why should you always be on your daughter’s/son-in-law's side? Let us talk honestly. How many times do you get upset with your kids or your kids upset with you, and how easily do things go back to normal? Almost immediately, or maybe it takes a couple of days, no hard feelings, no grudge, nothing.

Now you have a new member in your family who comes from totally different family views, understandings, and upbringing. Now, this person is in a strange new environment; you can make it a welcoming and open channel for communication and advice or close the door for communication forever. Always have patience and put yourself in their shoes before answering; remember you were in the same spot many years ago and wanted to hear sound and positive advice.

Always remember that this is someone else's child; how would you want your kids to be treated in different families? Always choose sympathy over being right. Try to change your mindset to be better; it not only benefits you, it benefits your kids and your future kids.

To be continued in the next issue of the magazine.