Dear Rachel,
I'm
a person focused on growth and self-development, I truly care about people.
But, I've encountered a recurring issue in my romantic life. I've been divorced
for six years, and my past relationship experiences have been challenging. When
I initially met my ex-husband, I was attracted to his passionate nature. He was
confident and assertive, qualities I admired. However, after marriage, his
domineering, controlling and insensitive nature became apparent. Since my
divorce, I've dated men with a passionate nature but then discovered that they
were self-centered and aggressive. I truly want someone with good character. A
matchmaker advised me that I had it all wrong and should try dating men whose
nature is more soft and relaxed. I did this and though they were polite and
nice, I felt no attraction to them. I feel terrible. Am I forever destined to
be attracted to passionate men who later reveal aggressive or self-centered
traits? I would greatly appreciate your advice.
Sincerely, Tanya
Dear Tanya,
I've
encountered situations like yours many times: well-intentioned women attracted
to men with passionate personalities, only to end up deeply disappointed. You
seem to have a solid value system and understand the kind of man you don't want
– someone self-absorbed, domineering, and aggressive. Yet, you find yourself
initially attracted to these types. Conversely, men with softer, more relaxed
natures don't seem to resonate with you.
Without
delving more into your past and getting to know you more deeply, my advice is
based on what I sense might be a good fit for you. Consider dating a different
type of man – one you haven't mentioned before: a strong, principled man with a
soft heart.
In
the Torah, we see contrasting personalities in the twins that our matriarch,
Rivkah, bore. First, there was Esav – the domineering, impatient and ambitious
type driven solely by his immediate desires. Then, you have Yaakov, a man
passionate in his ideals, who is principle-centered and driven by his God-given
mission. He represents a perfect balance of self-discipline and kindness.
Yaakov's strength lay in his commitment to a virtuous life, with his passion
directed toward actualizing his role as a forefather of the Jewish nation.
Your
soul is drawn to men with passionate energy, but that passion must align with
the values you hold dear. This likely explains why you haven't found
satisfaction with relaxed, softer-natured men; their essence doesn't resonate
with your soul. So, look for someone whose character you admire, someone whose
passion is channeled through values you respect and believe in. His essence
should move your soul, rather than merely stimulate your senses. For example:
perhaps he runs a successful non-profit that assists children with special
needs, or he's known and well-respected for his integrity and reliability. Your final quest is to discover a man
whose character is driven by kindness, truth, integrity, and a strong sense of
purpose – this is the
ultimate expression of true passion.
Once you find this man – and I am confident you will – first and foremost, thank God for the blessing of your union. Then, nurture the marriage by supporting his life mission and appreciating the good he brings both into your life and the world at large. After all, a husband with the right passionate ideals needs a wife who wholeheartedly believes in him and what he has to offer. B'hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
