Dear Rachel,
I am a Bukharian mother and
have a daughter who is married and another one in highschool. I find it very
difficult to answer them when they come to me with questions about their lives
as we are from two different generations. I was raised in a different culture
entirely, with different values. Oftentimes, from what I have learned over the
years about relationships and life, I think how my own upbringing was limited
and so I don’t feel I have much wisdom to share that my daughters would feel good
about. How do I answer them when they ask me hard questions about life and
living?
Sincerely, Speechless Mother
Dear Speechless Mother,
I can see from your question
how deeply you care about your daughters. I am sure they feel your sincere care
towards them since they openly share their experiences and thoughts with you,
something not every mother has the blessing of experiencing in her life. Just
the fact that you feel responsible to give them valuable insight about life is
honorable. To answer your question, keep in mind 3 points when listening to
your daughters. The first point is when they are sharing intimate details about
their lives, or even simple things – just listen fully, without the need to
give them an answer. While you are listening, imagine what they are describing
and what they are feeling instead of thinking of what to say. This will help
them feel understood while allowing you to discover your daughters in a deeper
way. With teens and young women at this age, the best thing you can do is to
help them to become confident adults who are proactive and decisive. If you are
always coming up with something wise to tell them then you are missing the
opportunity for them to come to their own decision making on their own. The
more a parent does for a grown child, including telling her what to do, the
more the grown child will feel like a child instead of a developing young
woman. Next, validate her feelings to show you are listening. Validating means
responding with phrases that match what the person talking is experiencing or
feeling, such as: «sounds like you are wondering what to do»...or «you are
really in a tough spot», or «this is hard for you to go through, tell me
more...» When you validate your daughter, she will feel a sense of being understood
which could give her the clarity she is seeking to determine what her next step
might be. After you validate her, you can ask her non judgmental questions that
help her figure out her way, for example based on the issues she is discussing,
«what do you value?» or «what’s more important to you?» or «what would help you
to meet your goal?» The questions you pose should be those that will make her
think about herself and the direction that is right for her. We are each born
with our own path and journey in life so you may not always agree with her
choices but it’s important that she recognizes that you trust her to make good
choices in life. Your trust can help boost her confidence and self worth while
giving her a sense of responsibility in her life. Sometimes you can also share
lessons you have learned in life, and it doesn’t always have to be when she is
posing a question. When you show your daughter you can hear her fully, that you
validate her thoughts and feelings, and you trust in her decision process, you
will be doing much more for her growth as a young woman than you realize. May
you be blessed with seeing your daughter become the best version of herself in
years to come...
All the very best, Rachel
Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have
e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be
featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail:
RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
