Dear Rachel,
I have a four-year-old daughter who
is feisty, and has a very demanding nature. Neither of my other 2 kids was ever
like this! She knows exactly what she wants and sounds like a queen giving
orders. It’s upsetting and embarrassing when in public. How can I help her
to be less demanding and more respectful in her interactions with us as her
parents?
Dear Shifra,
It is hard for parents to see their children behave disrespectfully. You're not alone. Remember that your children are “in training” to one day become kind, respectful adults. They are not there yet, and surely not at the age of 4. Every child is unique and will develop differently than their siblings or other children. It will be helpful for you not to compare her to anyone else.
In Judaism, a wise parenting concept we are taught is to “train a child according to his own way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it” (King Solomon, Proverbs 22:6). This means that to effectively teach a child, you must take into consideration her nature and what she needs in order to internalize the lesson.
As parents, we often see our children through our lenses; our own dreams, our past fears and failures, our insecurities, and so forth. But if we want our child to reach her full potential, we must try to see her through God's eyes and understand that she has an individual mission in this world. Her unique nature will be part of fulfilling that mission. Once you accept this, you can then expand your perception of your daughter. Her “demanding nature” will now be seen as a way to channel her assertive and decisive traits towards accomplishing good in the world. Your child doesn't yet know how to channel her nature for good, so she uses it to get what she wants. As a parent, your job is to be an example and help mold her character by pointing out when she uses her assertive and decisive traits positively.
On a practical level, when
your daughter uses her nature inappropriately by demanding something
(which is common for children), calmly ask her – “what’s the question?” and
teach her to turn her demand into a question. For example: “I’m hungry! I want
food right now!” becomes “I’m hungry, can you please give me food?” Any demand
should be turned into a question to respectfully communicate her needs. “I
don’t want that book! Read me a different book!” becomes “Can you please read
me a different book?” All it takes is one line to reply to her demands: “What’s
the question?” Avoid using a stern tone, otherwise you may lose out on
teaching her the lesson. Remember – your child is the one in training,
while you are the empowered and patient teacher who doesn’t
give up on her by becoming mean-spirited or rash.
When you offer your child something (for example, asking if she would like a
snack) immediately follow your question by giving her a choice of response:
“yes please, or no thank you?” If she just answers with “no” or “yes”,
correct her gently by repeating “yes please, or no thank you” so that she knows
how to respond politely. Keep in mind that this process may take time and
requires patience. Focus on staying positive, committed and consistent.
Believe in your daughter and show her that she has the most amazing things
to offer life and the world around her. B’hatzlacha!
All the best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
