«We
had a fight with my daughter and said many unpleasant things to each other.
What should I do, and how can I restore our relationship? Should I apologize?»
This text message was sent to me recently
by a mother of an adult daughter. Human relationships are complicated.
Sometimes we’re right, sometimes not; we might get along well with distant
acquaintances but struggle with those closest to us under the same roof. Yet,
we are all good people, each gifted with a pure, divine soul. Building
relationships with such unique souls can be a challenging task.
When it comes to our children (whether
young or grown), we’re bound to feel irritated, angry, or raise our voices at
them from time to time. That brings up the question of apologies.
Should
a mother apologize? Beyond the emphasis on repentance
in our Jewish scriptures, the answer is grounded in a simple principle: if
someone hurt me, would I want them to apologize? Of course! Even if the
daughter isn’t ready to do the same, as one wise author said, within family
relationships, you are on your territory. You are the author, director, and
actor, resolving issues and making diplomatic decisions. The atmosphere at home
is shaped by your efforts.
The question of apologies doesn’t depend
on age or status – whether it’s a parent, child, colleague, or friend, we should treat others as we wish to be
treated. But what if the daughter was deeply wrong – rude, even insulting
her mother? Should the mother still apologize? Shouldn’t the daughter be told
that such behavior is unacceptable? What about respect for parents?
Let’s look at it practically. Even without
knowing the details, it’s clear that both, the mother and the daughter, are
hurt and upset. The daughter likely knows she shouldn’t speak to her mother
disrespectfully. Similarly, we adults sometimes lose our temper, despite
knowing better, because our feelings are inflamed and wounded. The more
children see that we accept their feelings and mistakes – not just their good
behavior – the more they calm down. Often, children act out rudely or hurtfully
to get attention or test us: «Will you still accept and care for me even when I
behave badly, Mom?»
A
parent’s inner work involves reflecting on how their words and actions affect
the child, analyzing similar situations, and meditating on their reactions.
Is this hard? Yes, very! But it’s worth trying this approach: «I must have
pushed you to the point where you wanted to hurt me. I’m sorry – I didn’t
realize. I’ll try to be more mindful.»
What the child says in response doesn’t
matter. Whether they snap back or not, they will hear you.
Simply saying, «Sorry,» or «Forgive me, I
was wrong,» or «I love you; can you forgive me?» isn’t enough. We want
apologies from those who’ve hurt us to ensure they won’t repeat their actions.
Women often complain about husbands who come home from work irritable and take
it out on them or the kids. If the husband says, «I am sorry, the work was stressful,
I’m tired,» it sounds like an apology. But it lacks reassurance for the future
– work will be stressful again tomorrow. What’s
missing is an acknowledgment of how he could have acted differently instead of
lashing out. If he doesn’t say it, he likely hasn’t thought it.
For example: «Sorry, I should have taken out the trash myself.» «Sorry, I shouldn’t
have yelled at the kids. I was wrong.» «Sorry, sweetheart, I shouldn’t have
imposed my opinion on you.»
Avoid adding a «but» to justify yourself.
A meaningful apology includes a behavioral alternative – how you should have
acted. Without that, «sorry» is an empty word.
I wish all of us more wisdom, patience,
and the ability to say, «I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have done that» in this new
calendar year.
