Dear readers,
We asked our audience
in our last issue to provide some advice based on the following scenario. Below
is the response we received from our members of community:
“Dear Shalom Bait
group, my son got married two
weeks ago. I invited newlyweds to the Shabbat for the first time. My
daughter-in-law brought a couple of pastries from the store but didn’t offer to
help or make at least some salads. My daughter is also married but always
brings homemade salads, baking, or both to her mother-in-law. I am agitated,
and I want to tell my son our ways so the next time she knows to bring some
homemade dishes.”
What would be your
advice, dear readers?
It’s super important
to understand that every newly married couple needs lots of guidance and
support. Your new daughter in law brought something and don’t come empty
handed, so be thankful and accept she is coming from different home and maybe
that’s norm in their house. Lower your expectations and lead by example.
Compliment her for cake she brought and most important be sincere. Since your
daughter does everything for her mother-in-law, that is great, but please don’t
forget each family has their values and upbringing. If your son marries this
girl, that means something in her he likes and wants to share his life with
this person. This is so immaterial that it should not even be discussed.
However, if you want to raise this question, do it nicely, patiently, and do it
with love. You want your daughter-in-law to love and respect you, not
immediately be on the wrong side.
I had a chance to
interview a mother in law regarding some scenarios that often lead to
misunderstandings and conflicts.
• In your
opinion, if your daughter/son introduces you to their future mate and you feel
it's not a good match. How do you handle this situation?
First, I need to give
a chance to know this person, maybe I was wrong in my initial assumption. If I
still feel it's not the right match. I do everything in my power for my
children to see for themselves that this is not a good match by inviting them,
often showing the new family members our way of life, and of course praying for
a good match and hoping for the best.
• How do you
manage different wedding budgets to avoid losing respect for your future
in-laws?
Everyone wants to have
a nice wedding and every family has different budget commitments. If the budget
with your future in-laws is very different, you can express what is important
to you and your family, how much you can afford and only in a polite way. This
is one of the challenges families have during the wedding, try to do it
honorably. Please don’t involve young couple and talk negatively about their
future in laws based on conflicts about wedding costs. This will pass but it
will leave bitter taste in new couple.
• You witness
an unpleasant conversation between your son/daughter and their better half.
What is your reaction?
Never interfere in the
conversation between husband/wife. As things heat up, you don’t want to fuel
the fire even more. Also, try never to bring up the opposite side of what you
heard.
• Shabbat/High
Holidays- you are expecting your kids. Will you tell your daughter-in-law what
to bring? Or are you expecting your daughter-in-law to reach out to show
initiative?
If I know my
daughter-in-law is doing something special, like delicious desserts, unique
salads, or appetizers. I will compliment her on how good she makes a particular
dish that I have never tasted better and kindly ask her if it's not too much of
a problem to bring it for the holidays so everyone can enjoy it. However, if my
daughter-in-law is working/ busy with the kids and she will not offer to bring
anything, I will not make a big deal.
• How do you
tell your daughter-in-law/son-in-law what bothers you?
I will find a good
opportunity where we are alone, gently bring up the subject that bothers me,
and kindly address the issue if I see that my daughter-in-law/son is not
receptive to what I am trying to say. I will make a mental note not to bring up
with them again.
• Why do
mothers-in-law show more respect, attention, and understanding to their
sons-in-law than daughters-in-law?
I think it's a
generational way. The daughter-in-law or son-in-law should be treated the same
with kindness, respect, and understanding. Both of them are professionals, and
it’s our responsibility to make their lives easier.
• How should a
mother react to her daughter/son complaining about her husband/wife?
To listen attentively,
not to be biased, and to see the situation from all sides and try to give
advice. You need to allow the person to say what is on their mind. The
challenges between husband and wife are expected. It’s also your responsibility
to make their life better.
The best advice I can
give to new mothers in law, please don’t compare your marriage to your kids.
Times, culture and our settings have been changed and what is acceptable and
expected from us, not necessarily is a norm today. Be understanding,
compassionate and most important wise!! “Treat your daughters in law or son in
laws how you or your husbands would want to be treated”! Best of luck to
everyone.
Zoya Aminova
