How childhood wounds become adult problems
For the umpteenth time in a row, I have another woman sitting in my session who was not loved enough by her mother. And what do I mean by not loved enough... Let's be honest – unloved, humiliated and offended by her own mother, from birth to adulthood. You, raised in the love and care of maternal nature, most likely find it difficult to even imagine how your own mother can hate.
In no way bringing condemnation, I am stating the fact
that such phenomena are by no means uncommon among us. And we are not talking
about alcoholics and drug addicts. Outwardly prosperous traditional families
can be in a state of complete internal discord. And to say that such an
attitude towards one's own child, even if the mother could not do otherwise,
has the most destructive effect on his soul and psyche, is the same as saying
nothing.
– Why am I here?
– my counterpart, an adult married woman, says hopelessly, – what is the meaning of my life? I am a mistake and an misfit. I do
not know why I exist.
She has long since come to terms with this «fact», got
used to the fact that she never received parental warmth and love. They did not
believe in her, the «ugly duckling», and still do not believe in her. Today – a
coach and speaker – she cannot recognize her strengths and her talents.
– Your soul was
given to you by the Creator, – I answer her – it is perfect and does not need anyone's criticism or approval. The Creator
endowed you with talents and abilities, didn't He?
– No, – she
says, – until my mother believes in me, I
will not be able to believe in myself...
Often, during therapy sessions, adult «boys» and «girls» appear before me, deeply unloved by their parents in childhood. Of course, most parents do the best they can for their children and, of course, love them. As best as they can. But parents are also just people with all their problems, shortcomings and emotional baggage, knowledge and skills, as well as ignorance and lack of skills in a wise approach to upbringing according to the Torah. After all, on the path of life leading to the acquisition of offspring, they do not teach how to raise children. And it's a pity. And although it is possible and necessary to forgive parents for their childhood traumas and grievances, which in itself is a lot of internal work that deserves special attention, all these unfavorable factors affect the self-esteem and self-acceptance of the child, and subsequently of an adult. The relationship with the Creator depends on how the relationship with the parent - mom or dad - develops. And this direct transfer leads to further contradiction: the Creator does not love me, I am not worthy of His love, there is nothing to love me for… But without being able to feel the love of the Creator, it is impossible to truly be a happy and self-confident person.
Any excessive moralizing, criticism, nagging or even
simple coldness and inattention towards a child are always fraught with
consequences. Not to mention the above cases, when a parent clearly shows
dislike for a child.
In practice, there are also patients whose mothers simply
never hugged or told them that they loved them. The result is, at a minimum, an
adult who does not know how to show love to their children and loved ones, and
feels inner emptiness and fear.
How can we understand how to behave correctly with a
child in situations that arise? The best way is to turn everything 180 degrees
on yourself and think: how would I like to be treated: scolded, yelled at,
pushed away, ignored, called names, given a menacing look or simply shown
sincere empathy when I screwed up, when I feel bad, when something makes me
angry or irritated, when I need attention?
