We often compare our
spouses to others.
She thinks: “My
friends’ husbands are calmer, more understanding, more educated – and they help
around the house.”
He says, “Any normal
woman manages everything at home. The kids are always taken care of, money’s
not wasted, and she still has time for her husband…”
We think it once, then
again, and soon, our hearts tighten with despair. We get stuck in the thought
that our spouse was never good to begin with. We label them as hopeless and
resign ourselves to a pitiful existence in the cage of heavy marital bonds. And
then comes the urge to “fix” them: to open their eyes, to demand that
they start working on themselves… But it ends in a dead end – and
disappointment.
Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, founder of the Mussar movement, gave a well-known example:
“At first, I wanted to change the world.
I couldn’t – so I
decided to change my country.
That didn’t work, so I
tried to change my city.
When that failed, I
focused on my family.
In the end, I
understood: I had to begin with myself.
And when I changed, my
family changed, my city changed, and the whole world changed.”
This isn’t just a nice
metaphor – it’s a spiritual law. As cliché as it may sound, you can only change
yourself. Every person has free will, and even the Creator does not interfere
with it. The only person you truly have power over is yourself.
But why should I be
the one to change if I’m not the one misbehaving?
Here’s the paradox: people don’t change through pressure, criticism, or control. They change through being seen, understood, and accepted. Spouses are deeply attuned to one another’s inner state. Change how you look at your partner, and the dynamic between you shifts. When you sincerely transform your attitude, your reactions, and your inner truth, the world around you begins to change as well. This doesn’t apply only to marriage but also to relationships with parents, children, and others.
But what if your
partner’s behavior is so upsetting and alienating that you simply can’t respond
differently?
It’s hard. But this is where your point of strength lies. Not in suppressing your reaction, but in rethinking it. Not in looking at the situation through the eyes of a hurt child, but through the eyes of a conscious adult.
Every such moment is a
real act of inner work – a real mitzvah. Often, what hides behind your
partner’s irritating behavior is fear of rejection, inner helplessness, and an
inability to express their emotions in a better way. Where you see accusation,
there might be pain. Where you feel coldness, there may be fear.
Let’s go deeper: what
if the situation was intentionally given to you?
The Talmud teaches
that when Heaven wishes to test someone, he is first shown someone else in the
same situation where he will soon be tested. If he responds with judgment – “How
could they act like that?!” – he is, in essence, pronouncing judgment on
himself. This was the case with King David. The prophet Natan told him a parable
about a rich man who took a poor man’s only lamb. David was outraged: “Such
a man deserves to die!” Then Natan said: “You are that man.” (Shmuel
II, ch. 12) David had unknowingly judged himself.
We see in others what
we carry inside ourselves. Remember – the world is a mirror?
Our inner wounds and
closed places shape how we perceive others.
So what can we do?
Start looking at your spouse through the lens of their strengths. See them with the eyes of your heart. Every person has good qualities – even your imperfect spouse. Focus on those. Notice them. Encourage them. And suddenly – after a week or two – you’ll notice that he’s “magically” beginning to change. Because you took the shortest path of all.
