Dear
Rachel,
I
am 34 years old and have been married for 12 years. Although I am not a
religious person, I do believe in God. Lately, however, even this has been hard
for me as I have been struggling with infertility and repeated miscarriages
throughout my entire marriage. Seeing others have families makes me feel really
singled out, and I can't bear to go to social family events anymore. I am
exhausted from the pain of this experience. I am struggling to feel connected
to God through all of this. I don't think you can say much to end this pain for
me, but I wanted to share this anyway.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you so much for
sharing your feelings and your painful, challenging situation. You are right, I
cannot say anything to end your pain. I can, however, offer you perspective so
that you can have meaning and significance connected to your pain, which may
help you feel empowered. What you are going through is difficult, and your emotional
response is very normal. Life can be a series of highs and lows. But the lows
don’t have to be a bottomless pit of emptiness and suffering. You can choose to
give depth and meaning to your pain by attempting to accept it instead of
trying to end it, to understand it, and then to ask yourself how you can
contribute to life and the people around you through this pain. This is how you
grow, and how wisdom in life is acquired. And this is how pain can be a truly
transformative experience.
To share a personal
story, when I lost a difficult pregnancy at 7 months, the very first thought
that came to me was the image of a woman, someone I didn’t know well but who I
knew had been so excited to have her very first child, only to have it end with
her birthing a stillborn. I remembered the deep sadness and pain she had
shared. Sitting in my hospital bed, I thought to myself, “now I know how she
feels.” I contacted her and told her I understood what she had gone through.
Somehow, just knowing that I can connect my pain to someone else’s pain, to
offer that empathy so that they know they are not alone, empowered me greatly.
I continue till this day to reach out to women who have gone through this
experience and to be there for them.
God doesn’t wish to
needlessly hurt us. Rather, He enriches our life, adding the element of pain so
that we emerge into stronger, more empowered, and hopefully wiser individuals.
We can appreciate the power of pain when we see the potential it holds to
connect us to each other, to allow our vulnerability and growth to inspire and
strengthen others.
It's crucial to
recognize that numerous non-profit organizations, disease discoveries, groups,
and acts of remarkable kindness have arisen from the profound grief of
individuals who chose to make a meaningful contribution. This is the way we
impact the world and rise above our own pain. Because deep down, what we truly
crave is not a “life of ease” but a life of meaning and significance that makes
life worth living.
The second part of experiencing pain and loss is the connection we can forge with God Himself once we understand that we can give purpose and meaning to our pain. When we invite Him into the vulnerable part of ourselves, we can then develop trust in Him, knowing that this experience was meant to help us grow and actualize our greater selves. You can take comfort in knowing that Sarah, Rivkah, and Rachel – our matriarchs from the Torah – also experienced infertility and focused their efforts on cultivating a deeper spiritual connection that served to mold them into the righteous women that they became, and who we continue to learn from. Consider checking out Atime.org, an organization for Jewish women who have experienced pregnancy loss and/or infertility. I wish you countless blessings for healing and strength. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
