Dear Rachel,
I am 23 years old and finally feel ready to get married and become a wonderful wife and mother. It has been a long road. I was diagnosed with ADHD and OCD in my early teens. I also had a bout of depression until I got my diagnosis. But, I felt I had to do everything possible to get myself to a place where I am self aware and responsible so that I can lead a good, well-functioning life. My parents found the best doctors and therapists for me to work with and I have read many books. I am proud to say that I have an amazing support system for my condition, which I am grateful for every day. I enjoy healthy relationships, have a great job and lead a fulfilling life. However, I am afraid to disclose my diagnosis to a man when I start to date. I want to be honest, but I feel I am running the risk of being rejected and ending up single and alone if I share what I have, so I fear dating. How can I get over this, and also – when is a good time to tell this kind of sensitive information to someone you are dating?
Sincerely, Bella
Dear Bella,
You are a courageous and strong young woman. There’s no doubt that it took you a great deal of hard work to get to where you are now. Though you feel fearful of sharing this personal information with a potential match, I can tell you that many more people than you realize walk around every day with a diagnosis that you are unaware of, and they may very well be people you respect and value. I am sure that those who know of your diagnosis and those who don’t, both greatly value the individual you are.
In regards to the «fear» you have of dating to find your future husband, look at this as just another part of your self development. One area of self development that we all can use improvement in is cultivating our trust in G-d. Have faith that He will provide you with what you need, and that includes a husband who will love and value all of who you are. There is no need to worry about who will accept you and who will not, because in Judaism our sages teach us that G-d has a bashert (soul mate) picked out for every individual before birth. Your primary job is to have the sensitivity to recognize the person that is right for you when you meet him.
Rabbis have typically been presented with the very question you have about when is a good time to disclose personal information that a potential future spouse would need to know. The recommendation often given is to let a person know BEFORE the point of getting engaged, when you feel this is someone you are now considering could become a potential spouse. Typically, by the time you reach the point of engagement there is already an emotional attachment and he may think of presenting you with a ring, so it’s best to confront this beforehand. The way to bring up the subject is not from a place of fear, but from a place of empowerment. Remember that you have overcome a lot and for this, you are strong. So instead of confronting him with a very serious tone and a worried look, come at it from a different angle. When you both are feeling connected and relaxed, say something like, «I wanted to share with you a personal story…a time in my past that was difficult for me, but that I overcame. I was struggling a lot in my early teens and my parents saw this and took me to a professional who was able to help me. I was diagnosed with both ADHD and OCD. I really wanted a good life so I have worked hard and I am happy to say that I have my condition well managed…I take daily medication that helps, I have a great therapist and I am focused on maintaining a good attitude. I am very happy». This shows your potential spouse that you are responsible and take accountability for your challenges, and that you are staying positive. Also remember not to feel so focused on presenting yourself well, that you forget to make sure *he* is right for *you*. Does he have the strength of character to overcome challenges in life? Is he kind and sincere? These are important questions for you to consider.
Judaism teaches us that G-d knows the heart and thoughts of every person. What this really means is that even though G-d gives us a life with certain challenges, He looks at what we do with the free choice we have (in Hebrew this free choice is called bechira) to overcome our hardships and still maintain a pure heart. Some people use their bechira to develop bitterness and blame others. You have clearly used your bechira to work through the tough times and became a stronger person in the process. This is what your future husband will value in you and appreciate. B’hatzlacha! I hope to hear good news soon!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
