Finding the balance between tradition and modernity
It started with a simple question
posted in a community group chat: «How do you address the in-laws? And how
do you expect your daughter/son-in-law to address you? By first name? Mom? Are
expectations the same for sons- and daughters-in-law?» What followed was a
flood of thoughtful, personal, and sometimes humorous reflections from
community members trying to navigate this unspoken social tightrope. The
conversation revealed differing traditions and preferences and deeper values
around respect, identity, and love.
More Than a Name
Some
felt strongly that not addressing in-laws at all was awkward and even
disrespectful. «We do so much for our children to support them and their
relationships – that’s why I feel
like calling nothing isn’t nice,» shared one voice in the group. Another added,
«At least say something! First name is better than silence.» Others emphasized
that while being called «Mom» or «Dad» might be meaningful, it’s not the name
itself but the relationship that matters. «My son-in-law doesn’t call me
anything yet,» one member wrote. «And honestly, it doesn’t bother me. What
matters is that he adores and respects my daughter.»
Cultural Layers and Language
Choices
Several
participants pointed out the cultural complexity, especially in Bukharian
Jewish families, where multigenerational households and strong traditions
influence expectations. One member suggested preserving the use of Bukharian terms
like «Ochamo» and «Amak» for in-laws, noting these offer respect while
maintaining healthy emotional distance. For some, the terms «Bivi» and «Amak»
were nostalgic and endearing, while others felt they sounded «old-fashioned» or
even «too formal» for modern dynamics. Still, the use of cultural language was
seen as a gentle compromise, bridging formality with warmth.
A Middle Ground: Hybrid Naming
One
widely appreciated solution was the hybrid approach: combining a term of
endearment with a first name. Think: «Mama Lena,» or «Dad David,» or «Bibi
Esther.» It creates space for connection and respect without erasing the
in-laws’ identity or overstepping emotional boundaries. As one member put it, «Many
young people feel uncomfortable calling in-laws’ Mom’ and ‘Dad’ because it
feels like replacing their parents. This way, we still show affection and honor
without forcing closeness before it’s earned.»
Communication Is Key
What
did everyone seem to agree on? That this conversation should happen early,
preferably before things get awkward. A mature in-law figure could set the tone
gently: «Please feel free to call me ___.» Or even ask: «What would you feel
comfortable calling me?»
Ultimately, the way we address each
other is just one reflection of a deeper need: to be seen, respected, and
valued within the family unit. Whether it’s «Mom,» «Lena,» «Bibi,» or «Ochamo,»
the real test is in the tone, the relationship, and the effort to connect.
Because at the end of the day, as
one mother-in-law shared with warmth and humor, «Call me whatever you want,
just love my daughter well.»
Sincerely yours, Zoya Aminov
