Dear
Rachel,
In
my youth, I developed a deep-seated fear of failing and never being good
enough, resulting in a «perfectionist» approach to life. When I’m working, I
have to fight through my anxiety of not completing the role expected of me
perfectly. It is painful when I make a mistake or when I think I could have
done better at something than I did. I obsess about it and get depressed,
despite being well respected and highly successful in my field. My husband
recently pointed out that I am an incurable perfectionist and have created my
own misery. I was shocked to realize that he was right. How can I change this
now?
Sincerely,
An Unhappy Perfectionist
Dear
Unhappy Perfectionist,
Your
perfectionism, while contributing to your success in different areas of life,
causes you significant distress. Sometimes, perfectionism can be associated
with other mental health implications that I will not get into here and that are
best addressed with a competent doctor in the mental health field.
As
a life coach, I can offer you a perspective to help you create a mental shift
so that new and healthy thinking patterns can gradually replace old,
ineffective ones. It's important to understand that «recovery» from
perfectionism can take time, as it is essentially a coping mechanism, often
deeply ingrained. Our brain is wired to avoid pain/discomfort and instead seek
pleasure/comfort. In your case, to avoid painful rejection or failure (which
triggers deep feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness), you obsess over
achieving perfection. Somehow, your brain has received the message that even
the pain and anxiety caused by your perfectionism is preferable to the
perceived (greater) pain of potentially being rejected or failing. To you,
being perfect means you exist and have worth.
As
humans, God created us in such a way so that it is impossible for us to be the
humanly vision of «perfect». That is not our mission. Rather, we were meant to
be purposeful; to strive to bring meaning to life, to learn and grow, and stay
present in the moment we need to be in. Shifting your focus from perfection to
purposefulness can help you create attainable goals that are aligned with
reality, as well as your values. Mental health relies on being able to
recognize and respond to reality, not to deny it.
You
may have much to uncover from your past to understand how you developed your
anxiety-provoking coping mechanisms, and this can be addressed with a proper therapist
or self development coach. However, you don’t have to wait till this happens.
The first step to recovering from perfectionism is by choosing to strive for
purposefulness, rather than perfection.
You
develop a sense of purpose when you realize there is no one uniquely like you
and you were created to fill a need in the world. Wherever you are, ask
yourself, «what is my purpose right now?» and then give this your full
attention. For example, when you're focused on work, but it's time to focus on
your children, giving them your full attention is what your purpose requires.
Staying present means being available to what the situation or person needs of
you. This is how you impact life around you and develop a true sense of self
worth.
Mistakes
and failures can lead to painful feelings of inadequacy. However, in Judaism we
are taught the significance of embracing the attribute of humility; allowing it
to refine us. When we put value to attaining humility, we invite God into the
picture, offering us a realistic dimension of ourselves and life. Whereas
perfection can equate to rigidity and arrogance, humility can empower us to
develop empathy, to connect meaningfully to others, as well as to learn and
grow.
Each
time we don’t live up to our high expectations, we can associate a certain
level of comfort or «pleasure» to not being perfect because we are now striving
towards a new ideal – the character attribute of being humble.
Overcoming perfectionism can be a lifelong challenge, but a deeply rewarding one. It can strengthen your relationship and dependence on God, instead of simply relying on yourself. In doing so, you will come to realize one of life’s most sacred truths: You are not alone. Your worth isn't derived from perfectionism – it’s been there all along. God sees it; it's time for you to see it too. B’hatzlacha!
All the very best, Rachel Trilokekar
Thank you to those who have e-mailed me with their questions. If you would like your question to be featured in the next issue of Ladies’ World, please e-mail: RachelTrilokekar@gmail.com
