We've received many requests for
advice, but this particular situation is especially sensitive and
heartbreaking. A grandmother has reached out, seeking guidance on how to
reconnect with her grandchildren. She shares that her daughter-in-law has cut
off communication, refuses to answer calls, and won’t allow her to see them.
Unsure of what went wrong, she is searching for understanding and support.
This is a painful and complex issue that affects many families. At the heart of it, both the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often feel misunderstood, unappreciated, or even hurt. Instead of placing blame, the focus should be on finding a path toward healing and reconciliation.
Finding Common Ground
When a
daughter-in-law chooses to limit contact between her children and their
grandmother, deep-seated tensions have likely built up over time. There may
have been past misunderstandings, unspoken grievances, or a sense of
overstepping boundaries. Whatever the case, both sides likely bear some
responsibility, and the only way forward is through empathy, patience, and open
communication.
At the
core of this situation are the children—who benefit from both a stable, loving
mother and a warm, supportive relationship with their grandparents. No one
should feel disregarded or threatened. The goal isn’t about winning or control;
it’s about ensuring a healthy family dynamic where love, respect, and
boundaries coexist.
Whenever
possible, a conversation—whether private or with the guidance of a mediator,
rabbi, or counselor—can help uncover the root of the issue and work toward a
resolution. Both sides must be willing to listen with an open heart, express
their feelings with kindness, and respect each other’s roles in the family.
Advice for Mothers-in-Law
Instead
of focusing on what you’re missing, shift your focus toward building a better
relationship with your daughter-in-law. She holds the key to your
grandchildren, and a positive, respectful bond with her can make all the
difference.
Here
are a few ways to foster healing:
·
Respect her boundaries – Let her set the pace of
communication and connection.
·
Show kindness, not criticism – Be warm, and supportive, and
avoid unsolicited advice or judgment.
·
Apologize if necessary – Even if you’re unsure what went
wrong, a simple “I never want to be a source of stress for you. If I’ve
overstepped in any way, I truly apologize” can go a long way.
·
Be patient and consistent – Time and kindness can soften
hearts. Avoid pushing, demanding, or complaining—it often backfires.
·
Stay present in indirect ways – If she won’t answer calls, don’t
force it. Instead, send a thoughtful text or a handwritten note to let her know
you care, without expecting a response. Small gestures, like a kind word
through your son or a small, thoughtful gift for the kids, can help keep the
door open.
Advice for Daughters-in-Law
Your
children benefit from the love of their grandparents. While it’s understandable
to set boundaries, when necessary, completely cutting off a grandparent out of
resentment or control can deprive your children of more love, wisdom, and
family connection.
Consider these steps toward a
healthier relationship:
·
Communicate your needs clearly – If something has bothered you, express
it calmly and assertively instead of avoiding the conversation.
·
Set boundaries with love – You can establish boundaries
without severing ties.
·
Allow small steps toward
reconnection – If
a full relationship feels overwhelming, start with small interactions, like
occasional visits or short video calls.
·
Recognize her intentions – Even if she made mistakes, her
love for your children is real. A little grace and patience can go a long way.
Rebuilding Takes Time, But It’s Worth It
Many
grandmothers suffer deeply when they are cut off from their grandchildren. But
demanding, pushing, or forcing contact often makes things worse. The key to
reconciliation isn’t pressure, it’s humility, understanding, and consistent
kindness.
Healing
doesn’t happen overnight, but small, sincere efforts can lead to meaningful
change. Both sides must be willing to move past resentment, listen with
empathy, and work toward a relationship built on mutual respect.
