We all
want love—the kind that feels safe, inspiring, deeply connected. But most of us
are chasing a version of love that’s been sold to us by fairy tales, rom-coms,
and social media snapshots. And in that pursuit, we often lose the very thing
that makes love real: truth. The truth is, love is not something you “fall
into.” You build it. With courage. With accountability. With radical
self-awareness. And above all, with wisdom.
The
Lie We’ve Been Told
As Gary John Bishop writes in his book, “You’ve been sold a fantasy of love that has nothing to do with reality. It’s performance love. Transactional love. Fear-based love.” We think love should be easy. That if it’s meant to be, it’ll flow effortlessly. That if someone “loves” us, they’ll just get us. And if we must ask for what we need, maybe it’s not right. Let’s pause right there. Because that kind of thinking isn’t love—it’s fear in disguise.
Fear
or Love? You Get to Choose
Fear in
love looks like:
-
Staying silent to keep the peace.
-
Shrinking yourself so you don’t rock the boat.
-
Avoiding truth to avoid rejection.
-
Performing what looks like love while abandoning yourself in the process.
But love—real, conscious love—requires us to be brave. It demands vulnerability, as Brené Brown reminds us: “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”
If you
want extraordinary love, you can’t play small. You can’t stay guarded. You have
to choose love over fear, again and again.
What
Real Love Requires
According
to “All About Love” by bell hooks, love is “the will to nurture one’s
own or another’s spiritual growth.” It is not just affection or passion. It
is action. Intention. Growth.
That
means love is:
- Responsibility
– owning your words, your patterns, your healing.
- Truth –
not hiding, not manipulating, not sugar-coating.
- Boundaries
– not as a wall, but as a container for healthy connection.
- Commitment
– not to another person’s potential, but to the relationship’s truth.
As M.
Scott Peck says, “Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of
nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” In other words, love
takes effort. It’s not something that just happens—it’s something you build.
Healing
Begins With You
Let’s be honest: many of us didn’t grow up with models of wise love. We learned codependence. People-pleasing. Silent suffering. Performative connection. But you are not your past. You are your pattern-breaker. Your love story can change the moment you change the way you love yourself. It starts with radical self-honesty: What do I believe about love? Do I make myself small to be chosen? Am I settling for attention instead of connection? Do I abandon myself to keep the peace? And then, it’s about practicing a new way: Speaking your truth. Saying no when needed. Letting go when love is no longer healthy. Choosing partners who can meet you with the same level of emotional responsibility you bring.
A
New Kind of Love Story
This
isn’t about being hard or guarded. It’s about being real. Because when you
bring your whole self to the table—your needs, your truths, your fears, and
your vision—you open the door to a love that’s soul-deep.
Willow Sage put it beautifully: “Love isn’t about how much you sacrifice. It’s about how much truth you can hold while still choosing to stay.”
You don’t need to suffer to prove you’re worthy of love. You don’t need to abandon yourself to feel close to someone. And you don’t need to perform to be accepted. You simply need to love wisely. And that wisdom starts with you. Let’s stop chasing fantasy love. Let’s start practicing real love. Because the world doesn’t need more perfect love stories. It needs more wise women who love with power, presence, and purpose.
