Sometimes it feels like this short phrase –
“But what will people say?” – governs our lives more powerfully than
the laws of gravity. We think one thing, feel another, want a third – yet we
act the way we’re supposed to. Or the way others expect us to.
In close-knit communities like ours, where
everyone knows one another, the influence of public opinion is significant.
It’s woven into our everyday lives and permeates every aspect of them. It
dictates how we dress, how we raise our children, whom we invite to
celebrations, how we celebrate, how much we gift, how we marry off our
children, and how we bury our dead. And very often – not because that’s what we
want, but because “that’s what everyone does.”
From childhood, we were taught – “don’t
stand out, be modest, don’t shame the family, think about how it looks from the
outside” and so on. These lessons, no doubt, helped us grow up with respect for
tradition and for others. But, like any coin, there’s another side: we were
taught to live not by our inner compass, but by external standards. And though
we’ve long since grown up, the fear of being ourselves has stayed with us.
We’re not afraid of poverty, illness, or loneliness. We’re afraid of
disapproval. Of mockery. Of whispers behind our backs.
Recently, a friend confided that while
preparing for her daughter’s wedding, her biggest worry wasn’t the actual event
or the couple’s future – but how to match the luxury of recent
weddings in the community. And her main concern? “But what will people
say?” That phrase shook me. And it’s exactly what I want to talk about in
this column. Because the influence of others’ opinions isn’t just an abstract
topic for psychologists – it’s our daily reality. And, unfortunately, often our
biggest obstacle.
We’ve touched on this topic before. I
remember writing, eight years ago (Issue #195), a column titled “A $500
Kippah” – about wedding gifts and public opinion. Today, those kippahs
cost nearly a thousand. But the essence hasn’t changed: we’re still willing to
spend enormous sums on celebrations, even at the cost of denying our children
private education – just to keep up with others. Because “that’s the way it’s
done.”
In this issue, we feature the third article
by Zoya Aminova in her aptly named series “The Wedding Circus.” Her
previous pieces sparked a powerful response – because they hit a nerve. And I
want to say to Zoya: bravo! Not just for the vivid style, irony, and accuracy, but for the courage
to speak openly about difficult things. And especially - for highlighting the
need for respect, reason, and dignity among future in-laws during what is often
a tense and stressful time of planning a celebration. This stage is frequently
a real test of relationships. The issue Zoya raises is a mirror many are afraid
to look into. It’s during this time that many families are put to the test.
Yes, weddings – and other family
celebrations like milestone birthdays, bar mitzvahs, and so on – really are
becoming more extravagant each year. And that’s Great! It means our
community is thriving, growing more prosperous and successful. And we live in a
free country where everyone has the right to choose. If you want to and
can afford it – go ahead. As the song goes: “I’m having fun. I don’t give a damn.
I take from "life all I can afford". And the keyword there is: what I can
afford. Because you can’t expect everyone to fit the same mold.
And that applies not just to organizing
celebrations, but to giving gifts too. I believe no one is obligated to cover
someone else’s expenses. Do what your budget allows. Give according to your
means. I was stunned to hear someone complain that guests didn’t “pay off” the
cost of the event! Or lamented that people left halfway through the event, or
that the food was left untouched. But to me, that’s completely normal – people
work, they’re tired, but they still come to show their congratulations. After
all, most events in our community happen on weekdays.
Public opinion can be a helpful guide. But
it should never become a dictatorship. Each of us has the right to our own
truth, our own path, our own sense of proportion. And the moment we allow
ourselves to simply be who we are – we finally allow others to do the same.
That’s what real respect is. Respect for ourselves, and for those around us.
Let’s continue this conversation – and Share your thoughts here on our website (under this text after the ad block in the comment form), as well at ladiesworld@gmail.com, or on Facebook.
Editor-in-chief Doctor Zoya Maksumova
(July 2025,"Ladies’ World" №289)
